


Interstellar Medium

by ladymac111



Series: Interstellar Medium [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Developing Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Genderqueer Pidge, Other, POV Alternating, POV First Person, Present Tense, Sexual Content, background pre-Klance, basically ignoring what TPTB said about Pidge's age
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 01:51:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 23,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7957741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladymac111/pseuds/ladymac111
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This isn't the time or the place for a relationship.  But at the same time ... maybe that makes it even more necessary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tungsten

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know where I'm going with this, I just-- :clenches fist: really love these two. So I'm writing a bunch of early relationship fluff that's got a sexy side to it. One of the best things about this ship is it gives me a perfect excuse to write mushy romantic astrophys poetry because if any ship is going to actually say those to each other it's these nerds.
> 
> Note on character ages: By my reckoning, cadets enter the Garrison after completing compulsory schooling, and they must be 18 or over. Contrary to the nonsense from [TPTB](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_powers_that_be_\(phrase\)), my Pidge was 17 when she started, though her false identity was 18. In this story, Hunk and Lance and Keith are 18/19, and Pidge is on the upper edge of 17. All characters in this story are of legal age to give consent.
> 
> Minor edits 1/26/17 to align with the theory that Hunk has protanopia and can't see red.

_-Pidge-_

 

This is definitely stupid.

But I'm excited about it, and damn it if I haven't always done stupid things because I was excited.

I got some gunk in one of my lion's joints the other day, in the elbow bit, and I feel like the motion has been sluggish and sticky ever since, so I need to have a look. I can't for the life of me think _what_ would make the joint feel weird, but I'm going to find out.

Scrambling up the leg isn't too big of a thing, with a pair of long pliers and a rag stuffed into my back pocket. Once I reach the joint I glance down, and I realize I may have overcommitted myself. I'm several meters off the floor, and Hunk is down there, watching, obviously worried. He doesn't like heights, and he always gets nervous for other people too. I'm trying not to think about it.

I refocus on my lion, and I have to blink hard a couple of times to clear my head, get the fuzziness out of my vision. It's probably getting late; we came out here after dinner and I don't really know how long it's been. I always seem to lose track of time when I'm doing projects with Hunk. It gets late so easily -- the hours feel like minutes. (I'm never really ready to say good night to him.) (Train of thought for a _different time,_ Pidge....)

Part of the problem here is that I don't know what the joint is really _supposed_ to look like, plus it's like ten thousand years old so there's some wear and tear, dings and scratches and stuff. Less than I'd expect for so long, but I guess I don't really know how long it was active before it was stowed away.

I can't really see anything. I try reaching out with my mind to my lion, but she doesn't have much to tell me, other than the joint feels weird. I decide to just go in with the rag and feel around, see if anything comes of it.

But shifting my weight to retrieve the rag from my pocket doesn't go very well.

My heart is in my throat as gravity seizes me, drags me down. I think I hear Hunk calling my name but I can barely hear him over the roaring in my ears.

The fall lasts for an eternity, and it's over in a flash, and I'm surrounded by warm and soft and a familiar smell and a solidity that's even surer than the ground itself. My shoulder jars a little, and my feet swing, but I've stopped, and without the _crunch_ of breaking bone that I half expected.

It takes a few seconds for my heart to stop thundering, and when I can finally feel and hear anything else I'm clutching Hunk around his shoulders, and he has his arms around me, and he's lowering my toes to the ground. "You okay?"

"Yeah." I can barely catch my breath, but I'm getting there. I can start to believe I'm okay.

"Jesus, you scared me. Don't go climbing like that again."

I look up at him -- I haven't been able to let go of his shirt yet, and his big warm hands are still on my sides. And his face ... he's wearing an expression I haven't seen before, and I don't know what to make of it, but it's making me feel things, things that I think I've been trying to ignore because they were inconvenient.

I look at his lips. They're slightly parted and they look extra full right now, extra soft.

I flick my gaze back up to his eyes, and he's looking at my mouth now. My heart is pounding again for a totally different reason, and I'm breathing shallowly, feeling kind of light-headed.  _We're so close together..._

Hunk takes a breath. "Pidge?"

"Yeah?"

"I ..." He dampens his lips. "I really want to kiss you."

"Oh." It comes out like a sigh. I'm not sure if I answered him. "I want that, too."

He blinks at me for a moment, then closes his eyes and leans in.

His lips on mine are -- I don't even know. Universes. A single atom. Earth and sky and life.

Nothing has ever felt like this before. I'm overflowing.

We break apart. I feel like I've been underwater, like I can finally breathe. I might be gasping a little.

Hunk looks like a paradigm shift. Like he's discovered he's in one, and also like he himself is fundamentally different now.

I just kissed him.

Everything is different now.

I run one hand over his shoulder, down his arm; he lets go of my waist to take it. Our fingers tangle together like they were meant to do exactly that. Hunk's hands are soft, with the exception of a couple small calluses on the thumb and middle finger of his left hand, his dominant hand. The position is familiar to me: these are a mechanic's hands. I'm a little surprised Hunk has them, though, since he's so young. He must have been working on engines for as long as I've known how to code.

He's a marvel.

The silence is deafening. I swallow. "Hunk?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you do that again?"

A tentative smile blooms across his face. "Yeah."

The touch of his lips is a little firmer this time, and I press back into him, tightening my fingers in the collar of his shirt. He makes a little noise in the back of his throat, and it shivers like lightning through my entire body, scalp to toes and back up again.

When the kiss ends this time he doesn't pull away, but puts his face in my shoulder and hugs me as tightly as he ever has. I wrap my arms around his back and hold on with everything I've got. The physicality of his presence is the only thing that keeps me from believing that this is a dream. (He's never as big as life in my dreams, and it's always disappointing, leaves me wanting.)

I want him. I have, for a while. And here he is, in my arms, exactly how I dreamed. But doing this in real life is leaving me a lot more uncertain than the one-sided longing did.

Deciding to actually take this step is ... terrifying. Getting this attached to him, to _anyone_ , is something I've been trying very hard to avoid. I'm afraid I won't be able to take it. Not after what happened with Dad and Matt. I'm different now.

My heart is tungsten. Not given to melting, but brittle, and with too much going through it I'm afraid I'll burn out, a flash of heat and light before I'm broken. I don't know if I can trust Hunk not to hit me with that much current.

If he does, though ... it's not his fault. He didn't make me feel like this, he's just being himself. And I just happen to be really, _really_ into him. If I can't handle the intensity of that lo--- No, _no_ , not that word, not now. The intensity of those _feelings_ , that's on me, not on him.

The muscles in his back and shoulders flex minutely and then relax, releasing me from his embrace. I don't want to go, but he's so much taller than me, when he stands up I don't have a choice in the matter. The expression on his face is one of quiet amazement, of hopefulness.

"So, uh." He clears his throat, and his voice drops back into its usual register. "It's awfully late for us to be working."

I nod; we sometimes work very late, later than this, but now isn't the time for machines any more. "Yeah." I sound squeaky, and he smiles.

"I'd like to keep hanging out. I mean, unless you needed to call it a night."

"No, no." I grab for his hand -- whatever's going on, I do _not_ want it to stop just yet. "I want to hang out, too."

The way he heaves a deep, careful breath is mesmerizing. "Do you, um. My room?"

My heart leaps. "Sure."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tungsten](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tungsten)


	2. Alloy

_-Pidge-_

 

I've spent a couple of months imagining this -- lying here, next to him -- and the reality bears honestly very little resemblance to my fantasies.

For one thing, Hunk is softer than I imagined, like this. Soft and warm and really incredibly good at cuddling, like I fit into his side perfectly. But there's also firm strength underneath, like his body is a mirror to his personality -- gentle and caring, but with a steadfast foundation, one that waits until it's needed before it becomes apparent. Like he can take on anything that comes his way.

For another thing, his fingers are playing with my hair. That's not something I ever thought I'd like, but it seems as though I do. It's gentle, and surprisingly intimate; it's been a very long time since anybody else touched my hair. My last cut was probably three years ago, not counting the one I did myself right before I joined the Garrison, and a couple of bangs trims before that in the bathroom mirror.

But I think the biggest difference from the fantasy is that this being _real_ colors the experience in a very unexpected way. Dreaming about holding Hunk like this is one thing. Him actually doing this with me, being an enthusiastic participant ... obviously I'd _hoped_ that would be the case, but I hadn't dared to actually expect it.

I can feel the steady beating of his heart under my hand, the warm puff of his breath on my forehead. Everything about his body language is telling me how comfortable he feels. I do have to remind myself that he's much more of a casual toucher than I am -- he hugs our teammates regularly, he's always brushing against people, and even though he does take up a lot of space I can always tell his touching is deliberate, it's never an accident. Him touching people isn't a big deal, not like it is for me.

I feel like maybe that should make me feel like this is nothing special, but it's clear that's not the case, this _is_ something special. He touches the others, but he doesn't _hold_ them. He doesn't lie beside them in his bunk and quietly cuddle for ... however long we've been like this.

And he certainly doesn't kiss them. And he did kiss me. Which is how we got here. I think I want him to kiss me again, now. I feel like I might start to crumble on the edges if he doesn't.

I tip my chin up towards his face, and he opens his eyes a crack. I try to suggest what I want with my facial expression, and I really have no idea how to do this, but it seems to work. He smiles like he's about to tell me a secret, and then he leans in, closing the few inches between our lips.

He kisses like he cuddles. Soft on top, firm underneath, confident and strong, an amazing contrast to my brittleness and everything I thought I shouldn't want. I still kind of think maybe I shouldn't want this -- we have our duty to Team Voltron, will this get in the way? Are we breaking some kind of taboo? And there's my search for my family -- can I really do _this_ in the face of all that?

But at the same time ... my heart tells me I don't have a choice. I was hurting before, a deep, dull ache, and I didn't even realize it until it disappeared this evening. This feels _right._ This feels like something I won't regret, and that feeling is stronger than any guilt I think I ought to have. And that feeling is tempering that brittleness in my center, making it stronger. Like me and him together are an alloy, the best characteristics of both.

I kiss him for long enough that I sort of lose my train of thought, but it's not enough (nothing is ever enough) to completely turn off my thinking, the wisps of things that always flit through my brain. And the new thought I've landed on is ... sticky. Not something I'll be able to just shake off.

The kisses have stopped now, and we're lying here again, our faces close together. There isn't a good way to bring up this topic, I don't think. But I don't suppose Hunk will really mind if I bring it up an awkward way, since he's kind of an awkward guy too. And the time to do this is definitely now, it shouldn't wait any longer. All the same, I can't help worrying.

In any case, the only way to do it is to do it.

I lean back a little, into his shoulder, so I can see his face. "Hunk?"

He blinks slowly. "Yeah?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did."

He smiles at me, and I can't help smiling back at his mathematician's answer. "You know what I mean."

"Yeah, shoot."

"Are you ... gay? Or are you straight?"

His smile broadens into a grin, and a little laugh rumbles in his chest. "I had a feeling you were going to ask me that before long."

I guess laughing is a good response? Plus his arm is tighter around my shoulders now than it was a moment ago. "So which one?"

"Neither." He's rolled back a little bit, and he's talking in his normal voice now, instead of the soft one. "I'm bi. I like all different kinds of people."

"So, with me...." I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but his hand rubs my shoulder, and I can tell he understands. I feel myself softening.

"You don't need to worry about that. I don't like you as a girl, or as a guy. I just like _you_. Whatever gender you are is fine with me."

"That's good." I run my hand over his chest, and he closes his eyes contentedly. "I don't know if I'm a guy or a girl. I don't really feel like either."

Hunk shrugs. "That's fine. You don't have to _be_ either."

"What do the others think?"

He looks at me. "Do you really care what the others think?"

"Not so much, but I'm trying to get more data points."

"Well." He lifts his other arm, the one that's not around me, and tucks his hand behind his head. "Coran always thought you were a girl, so he always says _she_ when he's talking about you. The rest of us have been doing that now too, since you told us. I think Lance still forgets sometimes, though."

Of course Lance would forget. I don't mind that he does, but it's a very Lance thing. "And how do _you_ think of me?"

His smile fades. "That's not for me to decide."

"But I'm asking you."

He sighs, and I can tell this is making him a little uncomfortable, but I really want to know. "I don't really know, honestly," he says. "It changes, kind of. A little. If I average it out it's like you said, you're not male or female. You're just Pidge." He hesitates. "Though, I don't think any of us ever asked ... what name you prefer. I know you started calling yourself Pidge as a disguise but we've all just gone with it."

"No, I'm definitely just Pidge now," I say with confidence -- this gender stuff is beyond my interest most of the time, but my name is unavoidable. "I haven't been Katie in a long time."

"Okay," he says, relaxing. "Good."

I'm full of questions now -- like I know Hunk isn't his given name, his legal name, but although I'm pretty sure I've seen it somewhere at the Garrison I can't recall what it is. I'm sure it starts with an H, but maybe that's all I've seen, _Cadet H. Kealoha._ I can't remember now.

I decide to leave that train of thought for later -- we'll have time. "So, on the gender thing again. Do you call me _she_ when you're talking about me?"

"Yeah, with the others. Is that okay?"

"It's fine. As long as everybody understands, that's what matters, right?"

He shifts, taking his other arm down and turning more towards me. "I just want to make sure nobody's doing anything that makes you feel bad."

"They're not. I really don't care what gender they think I am. She, he, whatever." I shrug. "It's not important to me. As long as meaning is clear."

He smiles softly, and it makes my heart beat faster. "I think it would be weird if I called you my girlfriend."

I laugh, and he squeezes me. "Yeah, that's not right."

"Are we that, though? Like, am I your boyfriend?"

I look at him, suddenly realizing what he's actually asking -- he turned the conversation around on me. "Oh. You mean, like ... with the kissing."

"Yeah, with the kissing."

That honestly hadn't occurred to me. "Do you want to be my boyfriend?"

"Yes."

Oh wow. That is _way_ more than I was expecting, though I guess maybe I should have. Time to take another bold leap into the unknown. "Then I think you are."

He looks hesitant. "Are you sure? It's only been an hour, you can take longer to decide than that if you want."

"No, it's good." I'm actually starting to feel sure of myself, amazingly. "I've had a thing for you for a while. I definitely want this to be a ... well, a relationship."

He smiles in an endearing sideways way. "I've had a thing for you for a while too."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I figured you weren't interested."

"I am interested."

"Well, I know that _now._ "

I can't help laughing, and I snuggle closer to him. "I guess that's how it goes with me. Better with gadgets than with feelings."

"Yeah, that's you all right. I'm glad we know now, I'm glad you told me."

"Me too."

He brushes a kiss to the hair on my forehead. "I have another question for you."

"Okay?"

"What's the deal with your glasses?"

I'm not wearing them at the moment -- we set them aside when we got into his bed. "My glasses? What do you mean?"

"I mean, do you really need them? You're not wearing them in that picture of you and Matt."

And there's a whole load of baggage I've been trying to pretend I'm not carrying around, but if I'm really doing this with Hunk then I owe him the honesty. "They're real glasses, if that's what you're asking. I'm nearsighted. The prescription isn't very strong, though, I get by okay without. I was wearing contacts at the time the photo was taken. Switched when I became a cadet, partly because I wanted to look more like Matt."

"Well it was definitely effective."

"Thanks."

"But you don't wear them under your helmet."

I can't help laughing a little. "That's something that lends credence to the whole destined-to-be-a-paladin thing. The suit has a spot for storing them and the visor corrects my vision."

"That's really cool."

"I know, right? If it wasn't kind of uncomfortable I'd just wear it all the time. The head's-up display is great."

"Oh man, I know. That thing shows you _everything._ "

I lean back and smile at him in a way that I'm afraid is kind of mushy. "And it makes you look cool."

He grins. "Suave and mysterious?"

"Maybe not mysterious. I'll give you suave, though."

He rolls his eyes, but he's still smiling. "Thanks, Pidge, you're a pal."

"Any time, buddy."

He wraps both arms around me in a huge hug, and it's the best feeling in the world. (Well ... perhaps not better than the kisses.) I hang on when he starts letting go, not wanting it to end. "It's getting late," he says softly.

"I know." I don't want to leave, but I'm not emotionally prepared to spend the night here with him. Besides which, the bunk is too narrow for the two of us to actually sleep in.

"I don't want you to go." It's barely more than a whisper, and my heart flutters.

I take my arm off his side and brush my hand over his cheek, settle my fingers in the short hair on the back of his head. "I know."

He kisses me, once, twice, a third time. "Not that I'm stalling or anything," he says, clearly stalling, "but I think we should figure out what we're going to tell the guys."

My heart sinks. "Do we have to? Can't this just be between us?"

He looks sad. "I know, I want that too, I want this to be special and just for us. But I don't think it'll work. Paladins of Voltron, right? We can't have secrets from each other, not about something like this. And I don't want to have to act like you're not special to me."

I blink at him. "What, you mean, like ... you're going to kiss me in front of them?"

He turns red. "I wasn't thinking _that_ exactly. But I've been holding back around you for so long, now that the seal's broken I don't think I can do it any more."

"What were you holding back?"

His blush deepens. "Nothing big. Just ... touching you, little touches. Holding your hand, hugging."

"You hug everybody."

"Not how I hug you."

His arms around me right now are the most solid evidence of that I could ever have, and I feel a little foolish for asking when the obvious answer was right there. "Well, that's true."

The corner of his mouth twitches up. "You know you're cute when you blush."

I've been rumbled -- the blush prickles and I can tell it's getting darker. "Never tell anybody."

The smile takes over his whole face. "Okay."

"Telling people about us, though," I sigh. "You're probably right that we should tell them. There's no reason for it to be secret."

"Lance is going to be a dick about it."

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, he is. But that's just Lance."

"I'm trying to figure out _what_ exactly we're going to tell them, though," Hunk says, sounding thoughtful. "I mean, are we boyfriends?"

That doesn't feel right, just like _girlfriend_ didn't. "No, that's not accurate."

"Yeah, I agree, but I can't think of anything better in English."

"In English? What other languages do you speak?"

He makes a slightly awkward face. "I'm not fluent or anything, but I speak Hawaiian."

Which, I suppose shouldn't surprise me, but it never occurred to me before. "Is there something better in Hawaiian?"

"I mean, like I said, I'm not fluent. But it has a gender-neutral pronoun, _'o ia_."

"Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue."

"Not for English speakers, no."

It would be cool if we could find a way to make that work, but since we're literally millions of light-years from any other people who speak Hawaiian, I don't think we'll find a word in that language to describe us anytime soon. "Why don't we just say we're together? We're a couple?"

"I feel like that's putting it awfully bluntly."

I drag my thumb absently over his cheek. "What's wrong with being blunt?"

He twists his head to kiss my finger, and I resist the urge to giggle. "Nothing, I guess," he says.

"Okay, then we'll do that."

"At breakfast?"

"If we have to."

He leans in towards me and sets his forehead against mine. "Thanks, Pidge."

"You're welcome."

"I really mean it," he says. "Thank you for everything. I don't know if I'm doing things right, exactly, so thanks for bearing with me. I've never really done this before."

"This? Like, a relationship?"

"Well, sort of. Like I've dated a couple of people, but I've never had a relationship that really mattered."

"This matters?"

"Of course it does. I mean, look at our situation."

I can't help frowning. "Because we're two of only five humans out here? Because we're paladins?"

Hunk grimaces. "I didn't mean it like that. I meant, like ... well, because we _are_ paladins, and because we work together all the time, but mostly because I already know you so well. We're friends. We've got that supernatural paladins connection thing, plus we're always hanging out anyway." He sighs. "I just ... I really care about you already, so ... it's all just going to be more, now."

He's right, he's absolutely right; and I feel it now, deep in the center of my chest, that this thing I have with Hunk will never be casual. It can't be. Like he said, there's so much between us already. Somehow it got here without me realizing it was happening. It makes me feel kind of brittle again.

I've been quiet for a while, and I don't want him to think I disagree or reject him or anything. I twitch my fingers on the side of his head, a little caress. "Yeah, you're right."

He smiles, soft and gentle. "I like hearing you say that."

I stroke my hand back over his hair, and he closes his eyes with a happy little exhalation. I feel suddenly brave. "You're my first relationship at all. I've never dated anyone before."

His eyes open again, brown and beautiful. "Really?"

"I wouldn't lie to you."

He hesitates. "Was I your first kiss?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, Pidge." He leans in and kisses me again, a lingering caress that says so much; more, I think, than I could stand to hear in words.

All too soon he withdraws and starts shifting to get up. I pull myself away reluctantly, pick up my glasses from where I'd set them on the floor next to his bunk. The room feels less cozy now that it's not slightly blurry.

He sits up beside me and leans his arm into my shoulder. "Can I walk you back to your room?"

"You don't have to. It's not like anything's going to happen in the hall."

"I mean, you're right, but is it okay if I do it anyway?"

I smile at him, and lean into him for a moment before I stand up. "Sure."

I take a moment to pull my shoes on, and he takes my hand in his when we step out into the hall. It's a very short walk to my room, only two doors down from his, past Lance and then Keith, less than a minute even though we drag it out as long as we can. We'd probably look ridiculous if anyone saw us, and then we linger outside my room, both looking at our clasped hands, and I'm sure he's thinking what I'm thinking.

He's the one who gets up the courage to say it, just like he did before. "Can I kiss you?"

I knew it was coming, but my heart thunders with excitement anyway. "Yes."

He puts his hand on the side of my face, leans down, and kisses me, slowly, deliberately.

I draw back first, feeling a little shy, a little nervous at kissing him somewhere technically public when our relationship is only a couple hours old. He hesitates where he is, eyes still closed, and it's obvious he didn't want the kiss to end just yet.

I squeeze his hand and he looks at me with a soft, golden-radiant smile that I know already is just for me.

"Good night, Hunk."

"Good night, Pidge. See you in the morning."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Alloy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alloy)


	3. Crystalline

 

_-Hunk-_

 

The morning -- or whatever morning comes to by Altean timekeeping -- arrives way too soon. I really shouldn't have stayed up that late with Pidge, but then again ... how could I not?

And it didn't help that I set my alarm a little bit early today; I want to be sure we catch everybody at breakfast so they can hear it from me -- from us -- personally, instead of telling each other and it feeling like a rumor or a secret, which it's not. Or, well, it won't be.

I kind of feel like shit though. This always happens when I don't sleep enough and it's one of the many reasons I never wanted to be on a fighter crew. It seems to happen more and more recently, though. And not just with the saving-the-universe thing, even when we're not on high alert I never quite sleep enough.  The days here are a different length than the days on Earth, a couple hours longer, and Pidge is a night owl so I tend to be up late too.

I haul myself out of bed. Showering is important; the water always makes me feel more like myself. Plus I have a pep talk that my mom used to give me when I was a kid, and I bring it out on special occasions. Today is a special occasion. I definitely need it.

The castle does have showers in the crew quarters, and I thank whatever deity there might be for that. The water's warm, and I can imagine the soap smells like tuberose even though it doesn't.

"Stand up tall and face the day with pride," I recite as the water washes over me. "You are Ho'okanu Kealoha, and you can conquer any challenge you face if you put your heart to it."

My name feels especially powerful to me today, my real given name. My whole life I've only used it rarely, even in my family -- I've been Hunk to everybody since I was a chubby eight-year-old, and it was Mom who coined the nickname. But today I feel like Ho'okanu, whoever he is.

He's the guy who's about to tell literally everybody he knows that he kissed Pidge last night.

Well, maybe not that we kissed, we don't have to go into detail. But we're going to tell them we're a couple. Which is essentially the same thing. _Keep moving. Don't think about it._

Telling myself not to think about something is _never_ effective. My mind is going around in circles now that I'm kind of awake, rehearsing and re-rehearsing what I'm going to say. I wish I could stop going over this but I feel like if I do I won't get it just right and then _something bad might happen_. I know those are words I got from my therapist; sometimes they help when I'm like this. Right now they don't. Since we came out here _something bad might happen_ always turns out to be way worse than I was afraid of. I know I'm catastrophizing, but the catastrophes we actually face are beyond my imagination.

And, like ... telling everyone that me and Pidge are finally in a relationship isn't going to make the Galra attack. But us being in a relationship, putting energy into this ... there's a possibility that this will get in the way of our duty. That this will weaken the team.

That thought is an electric jolt -- I stuck my finger right in the socket where all this anxiety is coming from and it's paralyzing me.

Suddenly I'm surprised that Pidge didn't have any reservations about this last night. None that she told me, anyway, though she always keeps her cards close to her chest. Maybe she does have reservations but she didn't tell me for some reason. Which is a whole new thing to be anxious about that I absolutely do not need right now.

I feel like I'm buzzing now and it's really unpleasant, my skin is tingling and my breathing is shallow. I got myself all wound up and completely undid Mom's pep talk.

I brace my hands on the wall of the shower stall, force myself to breathe deeply, slowly. _Think about Mom. Find myself again. Stand up tall. Put my heart to it._

My heart is what got me into this. It'll get me through it, too. It's the one part of me I've never doubted, and it's certain about Pidge. _I'm_ certain about Pidge. She's what matters.

_Focus on Pidge and keep moving._

I shut off the shower before it turns cold, which it always does after about eight minutes. (I asked Coran once if there was a glitch in the system, or a problem with the water heater, and he went into this spiel that I didn't really follow but I think the gist was that it's a feature and not a bug.) But even though the Alteans have showers I guess they don't have fluffy towels, so I'm stuck with this one. It's not _scratchy_ , exactly, but I'm not a fan.

Once I'm clean there isn't really anything to do but get dressed and head to the kitchen, not if I want to keep the brain gremlins quiet. _Keep moving._ Breakfast isn't at a specific time, but Shiro keeps us on a schedule even on the days that aren't full with training, so we tend to all find ourselves in the kitchen around the same time every morning.

Shiro and Pidge are already there when I arrive, Shiro with his back to the door, and Pidge across from him, picking at her bowl of goo, looking like she barely slept. But her face lights up when she sees me, and my heart does a funny flippy thing inside my chest. I wave, and she smiles, and I go to get my food and try to remember how to breathe.

I check the thing that passes for a refrigerator here, and there's still a bowl of fruit there that I sliced up a couple days ago. I bring that to the table with me, and Shiro looks surprised when I set it down.

"What's that?"

"Mystery fruit."

Pidge rolls her eyes. "Every fruit out here is mystery fruit."

I want to wrap my arm around her shoulders, but I'm terrified to do it. I'm being pulled in two directions, stretching, aching. _Keep moving._ "It tastes like papaya and lime, but it's crunchy and sort of watery like an Asian pear."

Shiro picks up a piece and nibbles on it, and Pidge looks at me sideways, without turning her head. "That's a really specific description."

"It's really the only way I have of keeping track of this stuff."

"Are you logging it?"

"Yeah, I started an alien produce database. So far the most useful parameter is who hates what."

She lets out a little laugh and ducks her chin down into the collar of her shirt, like she's trying to hide it. I can't help smiling myself, and I try to focus on my breakfast. I'm actually kind of too nervous to eat.

Keith shows up a few minutes later, and seems surprised to see all of us -- usually he's already here when I arrive. "You guys are up early."

Pidge shrugs and reaches for her cup of nearly-coffee. "Good morning to you, too." She seems remarkably chill compared to how I feel.

Keith spends a while considering the nutritional goo offerings, and when he finally sits down Lance rolls in, yawning and looking rumpled -- he's even worse at mornings than I am. Or maybe it's just that he doesn't care. "Hey guys."

"Hey Lance."

Pidge and Shiro both nod at him, and Keith says "hey" around a mouthful of food.

Which means ... it's go time. Suddenly I feel like we should announce it when _everyone_ is together, Allura and Coran too, but I know that's just me trying desperately to stall because I'm really very anxious. I shouldn't be, because these are my friends.

But I am, because these are my friends. And what they think really matters. _And what if they--_

Pidge bumps me with her knee under the table, and she's giving me a meaningful look, raising her eyebrows as if to say _come on, do it already._

I'm doing my best not to freeze up. _Why me?_ I mouth at her.

She frowns, and I'm not sure if she understood or not.

"What's up with you guys?"

We both look up; Lance is sitting on the counter with his bowl of breakfast, hunched over and looking confused. And now Shiro and Keith are both looking at us too. Come on, come on, do it, _just do it ..._

"Me and Pidge wanted to tell you guys something," I say, and it comes out in a rush.

They all look at Pidge, and then back at me. The synchronicity would be a bit eerie if I wasn't starting to get used to it. Shiro is the one who speaks and reminds me I'm only half done. "Okay...?"

I glance at Pidge; she unfolds her hands from her lap and brushes her knuckles against the side of my thigh. When I look up Keith's mouth is hanging slightly open and I think he's figured it out.

"Me and Pidge are ... together," I say. "We're a couple."

Lance's spoon clatters to the floor. "You _what?_ "

Shiro is grinning. "I had a feeling."

Realizing Shiro's mood is an unexpected jolt, but a good one this time. He's looking at us fondly, he's -- he's happy for us. My chest suddenly feels a lot less heavy.

Pidge shifts and catches my eye. She's pulled her feet up onto her chair and she's getting very flushed; I know she hates being the center of attention like this and I'm a little upset with myself that I didn't realize that yesterday when I planned this.  Not that it was much of a plan.  Maybe it should have been....

"Wait, since when?" Keith says, leaning forward. "Have you been keeping this a secret from us?"

"No!" Pidge says defensively. "It only just started. Hunk just thought we should tell you right away."

"We got to talking last night," I explain. "And ... yeah. Turns out we both like each other like that."

Shiro's actually beaming at us now, and he has his arms crossed across his chest in a very self-satisfied way. "I'm glad you finally said it."

"What _finally?_ " Lance says, climbing down off the counter and taking the chair at the end of the table between Shiro and Pidge. "Has this really been going on for a while and I had no idea? Two of my best buddies?!"

"I mean, we didn't know until yesterday either," Pidge says, and there's an edge in her voice. "Nothing's been _going on._ "

"Oh, it has," Shiro says. "Even if you didn't recognize it."

Keith nods. "It was there. I mean, you're always together, it makes sense."

"I do _not_ see how it makes sense," Lance says.

"Really, don't worry about it," Pidge says, leaning on her elbow towards Lance and hunching her shoulder in a way that's definitely meant to put up a barrier. "We're not a puzzle, we're just ... two friends who like to kiss."

_Oh, Jesus._

Lance's jaw drops. "You _what??_ "

Now it's my turn to blush; I wasn't ready to share that much. And Pidge turns to me with a frightened look in her eyes and it's obvious she didn't really mean to either.

"I -- I mean--" she stammers. "Not that we, uh--"

"Nice try, Pidge," Keith says, raising one eyebrow. "You definitely can't take that back."

"Great, thanks."

Lance has apparently gotten over his shock and now looks delighted, a reflection of Shiro. "Man, you two! Who would have thought."

"I appreciate that you told us," Shiro says gently, trying to take us down a notch from Lance's loudness. "It's very team-spirited of you. Good for us not to have big secrets from each other."

Keith narrows his eyes at Shiro, but it's gone so quickly I wonder if I imagined it.

"This isn't a big thing," Pidge says again, but she doesn't sound like she believes it herself. By the look on Shiro and Keith's faces, I can tell they don't either.

"It's only just started," I say, and I set my hand beside Pidge's on the table, not quite touching. She looks at it for a moment, then reaches out with her pinky, just the smallest touch _._ But even a small touch from her is huge. I know in my heart that this _is_ a big thing and it's kind of frightening.

Focus on Pidge.

I feel clear, suddenly; clear and smooth and shiny like quartz, like everything has just crystallized for me, and within that crystal structure is written the secret of how we're going to make this work. I don't know what the secret is, yet, but I can tell it's in there. Maybe our friends will be the x-rays that bring the structure to light.

I stretch out my finger towards her, touching a little more firmly, and she sighs, smiles a little, glances at me. Keith and Lance are both talking animatedly, to us or to Shiro, I'm not sure. Maybe just to each other. I can't quite hear them over the sound of my heart beating. I don't think Pidge can hear them either, if the look on her face is any indication.

But even though I can't hear them, I know what they're saying. They're excited, they're happy. Maybe a little confused that we're pursuing a romance in the middle of _this_ , but it seems that we have their blessing.

She shifts again, sets her hand on mine, presses her fingers between my fingers and holds on. There's a Lance-and-Keith whirlwind of mild chaos around us and we're here in the middle, calm, clear, crystalline.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [X-ray crystallography](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/X-ray_crystallography)


	4. Frequency

 

_-Hunk-_

 

_She takes a careful breath. "I want to find the Fourier transform of the sound you make when I kiss you, so I can find out which frequency it is that resonates with my soul."_

_I'm struck speechless for a long moment; all I can do is stare at her. She's sprawled across my chest, watching me quietly, her fingers playing with the hair behind my ear and the other arm propping up her head. I should say something. But I don't know how I can possibly follow that._

_"That's the most romantic thing anyone has ever said."_

_She smiles, shyly, looks down at my sternum. "No it's not."_

_"Yes, it is. It really is. In the whole universe, nobody has ever said anything as wonderful as that."_

_She looks up at me again. "It wasn't a line. I really mean it."_

_I run my hand down her back. "I know."_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Fourier transform](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fourier_transform)


	5. Luminous

_-Hunk-_

 

Recently Lance has been hanging out with me when I'm faffing around in the kitchen. He pretty much never _helps_ , but the company is nice, and I do appreciate having someone to taste things who doesn't think twice before putting something unfamiliar in his mouth.

Today Pidge comes in when I'm halfway through my second attempt of the afternoon. "Hey, guys."

"Hey, Pidge." Lance is perched on the counter just outside of the area I've made a mess of. He holds out his hand, palm up, and Pidge gives it a solid slap that resonates around the room. They both shake their hands and laugh after -- apparently a very satisfying low five.

Then she steps over to me; my hands are dirty, but I twist around to her. "Hey, you."

"Hi." She lays her hand on my shoulder and stretches up to give me a sweet peck on the lips, then pulls back with a smile. "I like that if I haven't seen you for a bit I can never predict whether you're going to smell like cooking oil or machine oil."

That's such a fantastic observation that I laugh out loud, and her grin grows even broader, and endearingly asymmetrical. "Which is it today?" I ask.

"Cooking oil, obviously. What'cha making?"

"Trying to make a burger," Lance says gloomily.

"Out of what?"

"Legumes, I think," I say. "They're kind of lentil-y, but bigger? Like small chickpeas."

"First attempt didn't work," Lance says, pointing to the bowl. "Came out gloopy. Looks like Altean food."

Pidge makes her way over. "Does it taste okay?"

I shrug. "At first it was basically poi, but it became kind of like hummus, after I seasoned it up some."

"Hummus!" Her whole face lights up. "Hunk, you made hummus?!"

"I said _kind of like_ hummus."

"Like I give a shit. I would _murder_ some hummus." She casts around the room. "Anything to dip in it?"

"Here." Lance hops off the counter and fetches the last of the nearly-bread he and I made yesterday. "It's pretty okay."

Pidge rips off a bite-sized piece, and drags it through the puree. It's not quite as thick as hummus should be (it really came out much gloopier than I was aiming for) but it's dip, at any rate. Lance wasn't a fan, and neither am I really, but maybe the others will like it.

She studies it for a second before she pops it in her mouth. "Mmm! Oh my god." Her eyes roll bock into her head and she grabs the edge of the counter like she can't stand up under her own power. "Jesus Christ, Hunk, that's fucking amazing."

I can't help grinning -- she only swears like this when she's really pissed or really pleased.

"It's not that good," Lance says, clearly confused by her reaction.

"Oh, it absolutely is," she contradicts, tearing another piece of bread. "This is the best thing I've eaten since I left home."

Lance raises one eyebrow. "Weird, but okay."

"Mmmm." She takes her time with her next bite, closing her eyes again. "Lance, I can't believe you don't like hummus."

"I'm not a fan of bean paste."

"Whatever, man. More for me." She glances at me with a little smile. "And as for you, you can file this away as something that'll get you back in my good graces if you ever piss me off."

I laugh at that, a little awkwardly, since I'm not sure how serious she is. I don't think I've ever made her mad at me -- not in the couple of months we've been together, anyway. We've had disagreements in the past, sure, but we always resolved them. "I'll keep that in mind?"

"I liked it better before you seasoned it," Lance says, grumbling.

I throw him a shaka sign. "Find a pig to roast and I'll make poi to go with it, we'll have a luau. I can probably throw together something like macaroni salad pretty easy."

"It wouldn't be a luau without pineapple," Lance sighs wistfully. I feel it too, that longing; nothing out here comes close to pineapple. I really miss being able to have it whenever I get a craving. You'd think the Alteans could at least stock a few cans of Dole....

Pidge is still eating, and it looks like she's going to finish the bread. "Take care with that hummus stuff," I say, "there's a lot of fiber in it."

She looks up at me, shrugs. "Fiber's good for you."

I raise my eyebrows, and Lance gives me a look that says he understands. "Not when you have a lot more than your body's used to," I say.

"You spend a few hours regretting it," Lance agrees.

Pidge hesitates, then takes the last of the bread and really gets it in there. She takes it down in a few bites, then steps back from the counter. "I suppose the rest will keep."

I meet her eye and simile. "Yeah."

She smiles back, the shy kind that's mostly in her eyes, luminous and magical, like she's made of the stars. _I adore you_ , I want to say. _I love you so much._

She blushes a little, smiles a bit broader. I wish I could tell her. I get the feeling she might kinda _know_ , but I still want to tell her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Luminosity](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luminosity)


	6. Simultaneity

_-Pidge-_

 

"Hey, Pidge?"

"Yeah?"

"I have ... sort of a weird question for you."

I like his weird questions, they're usually interesting, especially the ones he comes up with when we're cuddling out here on the couches in what he's started calling the observation lounge -- it's just the sitting area slightly below the control deck. "Shoot."

"How old are you?"

Which is not the sort of weird question I was expecting, but it is a good one, and I feel like I know _why_ he's asking. We've been together for a while, things are getting serious -- this is an important question for transparency between us. "Well, that's a little tough because I stopped paying attention to Earth time when we came out here. It's on my gadgets but I haven't looked at it in a long time. I actually turned off the time and date displays."

He laughs, a breathy little chuckle. "Yeah, me too. Since the day length doesn't line up it's basically useless. Plus I can do without the homesickness factor."

I definitely feel him there. But one thing I have that he doesn't is a way of telling longer periods of time: a hormonal cycle that goes around every thirty-ish days. And I _have_ been counting those, out of habit. "I do know roughly how long it's been, though. I was seventeen when I started at the Galaxy Garrison, and we came out here in early January. It's been like five or six months since then, maybe a bit longer. My birthday is in July but I don't think it's been that long yet. So I'm almost eighteen."

He gives me a baffled look. "How do you know it's been five or six months? That's pretty specific considering Alteans don't even have weeks."

I don't really want to have to explain this, but he asked. "My period. I was on the tail end of one when we came out here, and I've had five more since. My cycle isn't, like, super regular, but when I used to track it it was between thirty and thirty-five days. Close enough that I can guess the passage of time pretty well."

He blushes brighter than I've ever seen him. "Oh."

"Yeah." We're both quiet for a minute, but I recognize the look on his face that he's trying to hide. "You have more questions."

He's so expressive; I can see he's a little embarrassed that I found him out. "I do, but they're really personal. Just idle curiosity, it doesn't matter."

I don't consider bodily functions all that personal, really. Not anymore. Not after living with these six people for the last half a year, being constantly in each others' pockets. We've all seen and heard and smelled unspeakable things. And I like indulging Hunk's curiosity, especially when he actually _asks_ instead of just digging. "I don't mind, ask away."

He swallows. "How do you, like, deal with your period out here? Does Allura give you space tampons or something?"

I restrain myself from laughing too loudly. I'm pretty close with Allura these days, but we've never discussed that. "No, and thank god for that. I have a silicone menstrual cup. It was lucky I had it in that day we met Keith and Shiro or I actually _would_ have to ask Allura for space tampons, and that would tell me more about her than I want to know."

He cracks a small smile at that, his awkwardness lessening. "I haven't heard of a cup before, how does it work?"

I think about going to get it, but it's probably not worth it just for this conversation. And besides, I'm really comfortable here in his arms, I don't want to get up. "It's a squishy little thing, medical grade silicone, about the size of a shot glass." I hold up my fingers to indicate the size. "You just stick it up there and it collects everything. Empty it out once a day and wash it well afterwards and you're good to go."

"How long does it last? Like, when do you need a new one?"

I shrug. "It lasts basically forever, until it falls apart or cracks or something. They say you're supposed to get a new one after however many years, but there isn't a real reason for that. It's like the expiration date on ketchup."

His smile broadens. "Ketchup actually does get weird after a while."

"How do you know that?"

"In middle school I helped a buddy clear out his grandma's house. She had this bottle that was probably thirty years old. It had turned thick and sticky but it smelled okay."

I can't help laughing at that. "Just like the cup, then. I've had it for a couple of years and it's stained brown now, but it still works the same."

"It's weird that I had no idea until now that cups were a thing."

"I wouldn't either if not for my mom. The education system failed us both on that one."

"Seriously."

We lapse into silence, and it's a comfortable silence, like it always is with him. After a few minutes of staring up at the stars I speak again. "So that's me. How old are you?"

"Well," he says, slowly, "if it's like you say and it's June now, then I'm nineteen."

"When's your birthday?"

"April fourth."

I push myself up so I can look at him, and his hand on my waist follows my motion. "Happy birthday." I lean in and kiss him.

When I pull back he has a mischievous smile on his lips. "That's not much of a birthday present."

I try not to let the corner of my mouth twitch. "Hah, you're funny."

"I know."

The distance between us closes very easily, and this kiss is harder, deeper. When I open my mouth he hums and puts his other hand on my hip, holding me firmly, but not so firmly that I can't throw my leg over one of his, crawling halfway into his lap.

I've only done this a couple of times; the power it makes me feel is a little frightening. As is the way he responds to it -- but not frightening like I'm _afraid_ of him, just like ... it's astonishing that I can make him do all of this just by kissing him.

Although -- it occurs to me as I wrap my arms around his neck and slide my tongue against his -- I don't think this really qualifies as _just kissing_ any more. I think we left that behind a while ago.

When I finally lean back for air he's panting too, and watching me from under hooded eyelids. "I gotta say, Pidge, that's probably the best birthday present I've ever gotten."

I feel giddy, and I grin at him in a way that's probably a little goofy-looking. "You're not just saying that?"

"What? Of course not, why would I just say that?"

He tries to draw me back in, but I keep my hands on his shoulders, and he gets the message right away. "I need a minute," I say, and he nods, then closes his eyes and lets his head tip back against the couch with a contented smile.

I take a few slow breaths, trying not to think about the warmth of his body under my hands, on my waist and back, between my thighs. He's been fantastic about letting this _thing_ between us happen at my speed, but the problem is that my speed has been picking up and I'm not sure I'm prepared for that.

But there's also a part of me that says, _fuck it, we're at war, any day could be our last._ And when I'm faced with that, I wonder why I'm waiting at all. I want to grab him and hold on for dear life. Maybe that's why we're even having this romance at all, in such a bad situation for one.

But I'm glad we're doing this. Holding my feelings back was getting to be too much. With everything else, keeping such strong emotions inside was just an unnecessary burden. Much better to have them out in the open.

He lets out a gentle sigh and shifts a little. "You said your birthday's in July, what day?"

I have conversation whiplash, but I catch up after a second. "The twentieth."

Hunk opens his eyes and a smile creeps across his face. "Moon landing day!"

Smiling back is as easy as anything, and I feel like I want to kiss him again. "Yup."

There's a noise, a sound of footsteps, and I push myself up off him all at once before I turn to look, my heart pounding in my ears.

It's Keith, and he's hesitating in the doorway. "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt."

"You're not interrupting," I say, too quickly.

"We're just hanging out," Hunk adds, and there's a little bit of an anxious shake to his voice, an adrenaline edge. "You're welcome to join us."

Keith looks unsure, but he does move over to the couches. "So, um. What's up?"

"Nothing," Hunk says. "Just talking."

Me standing in the middle of the circle of seating doesn't really support that statement, and I feel the awkwardness all at once. I think about sitting halfway between Hunk and Keith, but that would be weird too?

"About what?" Keith asks.

I force myself to move, and I sit down a few inches away from Hunk. It's not like Keith doesn't know, and he just walked in on me sitting _on_ Hunk.

"Birthdays," Hunk says. "Not that they really mean much out here without the calendar we're used to."

Keith looks confused. "I've been keeping track. Haven't you?"

"Wait, what?" I say. "You know what day it is? Like, Earth time?"

"Yeah." He looks a tiny bit embarrassed. "Lance likes to know."

That doesn't surprise me, but that Keith is indulging him _does_ , it raises some questions. I glance at Hunk; he looks curious, and I give him a little shake of my head. _Don't ask him, he doesn't want to talk about it_.

"So, uh," Hunk says. "What day is it?"

"July second. That's actually why I came out here, I was trying to see if we could do a little something for the fourth. Just to, you know." He shrugs one shoulder. "Make it feel like home for a little bit."

"Like fireworks?" Hunk says, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. "That would be fun. Do a light show with the holograms or something?"

Keith nods, and there's a hint of a smile on his face. "That's what I was thinking. Lance has been telling me what his family does in Chicago."

Chicago feels impossibly far away, and I try not to apply the same feeling to Salt Lake City, because I don't think I can take it. Something occurs to me, a realization carrying over from the last conversation. "But, is it really July second on Earth? I mean, we do a lot of traveling at relativistic speeds, what about time dilation?"

Hunk shakes his head. "You're forgetting failure of simultaneity, Pidge. Special relativity means that we can't realistically talk about what time it really is on Earth, especially not over a distance like this. We have to define a frame of reference first, and that's completely arbitrary."

Oh, right; I never did get a complete grasp of relativity. I'm glad Hunk knows it. "Is it something we could work out, though? Like, hypothetically? Maybe we use right here as the frame of reference."

"I mean, theoretically we could work out what day it would be when we got there if we defined a return trip. I know the Lorentz transformation and the field equations, but I have no idea what we would plug into it, or how to account for Altean technology. Wormholes and magic weren't exactly part of Einstein's paradigm."

"What are you guys _talking_ about?" Keith says, and we both turn towards him.

"Sorry," Hunk says.

"Relativity," I say at the same time.

Keith raises his eyebrows. "Fourth of July?"

"Right, yeah." Hunk leans back on the couch and looks up. "I bet if we told Coran about the Fourth of July he'd help us put something together."

"You guys would really help me with this?" Keith says, and he seems surprised.

"Of course," Hunk says. "You're our buddy. So's Lance. It would be fun for all of us."

"What did you used to do?" I ask Keith.

He shrugs again, but his nonchalance seems forced. "Same as any city, I expect. There was always a huge fireworks display out over the bay, massive crowds at the Marina and on the Embarcadero. But if it was clear and I could get up in the hills the view was great, and not half as many people."

"The crowds always suck," I agree. "We could watch from the roof of the house, pretty well. Plus we had to stay home with the dog, she always freaked out, so that was a good excuse not to go out."

"Hilo always puts on a good show," Hunk says. "I don't mind the crowds, it's fun."

"But what's the population of Hilo?" Keith says, and he sounds a little defensive. "City of San Francisco alone is like a million, and then the East Bay on top of that. I feel like the scale of crowd probably doesn't compare."

Hunk smiles -- he's great at not letting Keith's more prickly comments ruffle his feathers. "I'm also not an introvert like you guys are."

"That's definitely true," I say.

Keith relaxes visibly, smiles shyly. "So are you guys on board for this? Fourth of July fireworks show for Lance?"

Hunk's smile spreads into a grin. "Sounds awesome."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Relativity of simultaneity](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relativity_of_simultaneity)


	7. Combustibility

_-Lance-_

I don't know what I was expecting when Pidge came and got me and told me I needed to come to the control room, but ... it wasn't this.

This is magnificent. My friends are amazing and this actually does remind me of being at home, of going to the Adler Planetarium's green space to watch the Navy Pier fireworks. It's almost painful, but the goodness of it outweighs that.

They got out a bunch of cushions from somewhere, and we're all lying on the floor of the control room, watching the holographic fireworks display, complete with quiet booming that isn't quite right but definitely adds to the experience. Apparently in the setting up of all this, Hunk spent a while trying to explain " _thunder only happens when it's raining_ " to the Alteans, and only stopped when Pidge pointed out that you can't really explain Fleetwood Mac without a recording and a picture of Stevie Nicks. Which none of us has. Who even listens to Fleetwood Mac any more? Well, Hunk does, I guess. Possibly Pidge too, but it's hard to tell with her; she seems the type who knows a little about everything.

Coran seems to be the one controlling the show; he's the only one not lying on the floor, though he is lounging against the console and looks like he's having a great time. The other six of us wound up sort of paired off, which came as a little bit of a surprise to me. Pidge and Hunk are side by side and holding hands, of course; that's not surprising. They've been inseparable since their romance started, even more so than they were before. And I'm not watching them but I can see them in my peripheral vision, and every now and then Pidge lifts Hunk's hand and kisses his fingers. I think she might beat me to death if I ever told her how cute she's being.

Shiro and Allura are a bit off to the side, and they were talking quietly at the beginning, though they've stopped now and they're too far for me to eavesdrop without being obvious. Today's one of the days where I get the sense that _something_ is going on between them.

I'm kind of engaged right here, though -- Keith is right next to me. I've been seeing a bit more of him one-on-one than usual, since Hunk and Pidge paired off, and it's been ... really nice, actually. We've been talking a lot, apparently enough to give him the idea for this tonight. He set this all up, just because he wanted to do something nice for me.

He's got his arms behind his head, and he notices me looking at him, gives me a hint of a smile. "What do you think?"

My heart does a funny thumpy thing I don't understand. "It's amazing."

The smile grows. "I wanted to try to make some freeze pops too, but I didn't work it out in time."

"Oh man, freeze pops," Pidge says wistfully. "That would have made this perfect."

I lift up on my elbow so I can see her. "Wait, do you mean a Popsicle or an Otter Pop?"

Pidge rolls over, and Hunk tips his head backwards, looking at me upside down. "What the heck is an Otter Pop?"

"That's the frozen sugar water in a plastic tube thing, right?" Shiro chimes in, sitting up. Allura does too, though she doesn't look happy about it.

"That's a freeze pop," Pidge says. "Popsicle has a stick."

"I think freeze pops and Otter Pops are the same thing," I say, and Keith looks confused.

"I haven't heard of Otter Pops."

"It's a brand."

"Why is it named after an animal?"

I shrug. "Who knows."

Hunk rolls onto his side and sighs. "You guys are making me miss shave ice. With, like ... lychee, and pineapple, and sweetened condensed milk."

Shiro leans forward eagerly. "Did you ever get it with adzuki beans?"

"Yeah, when we went to the fancy place."

"What in the world is shave ice?" Allura asks.

"Asking the important questions," I say.

"It's like a snow cone, right?" Pidge says.

"Shave ice is better," Shiro says, and Hunk nods his agreement. "The syrup doesn't all fall to the bottom."

"Snow cone," Coran says, sounding thoughtful. "It sounds sort of like something we used to have on Altea; is your Earth one cold or hot?"

I'm sort of dreading where this is going, if it's going to turn out to be anything like how these conversations with Coran usually go. "They're cold," I say. "Frozen water with sugar syrup."

"Ah, like ours, then," Coran says.

Allura sits forward. "Are you thinking of wintersweet?"

"Yes. You always liked the kaasa-berry flavor the best, didn't you?"

She smiles at him, and glances at me. "Don't believe Coran when he says ridiculous things, like that we have a hot version of wintersweet. He's just messing with you."

Coran groans melodramatically. "Don't let on! I've got him to believe all sorts of absurd things."

Pidge laughs out loud. Allura is grinning now, and I can feel myself blushing. "That does it," I say. "I'm never believing another word Coran tells me."

"That's probably a good idea," Pidge says, and Hunk giggles.

Keith is still lying on his back, and shifts his arm so his elbow brushes mine. I glance down, and the little smile he had before is a bit broader now, warmer, and suddenly I feel like I want to ... to touch him somehow, to show him how much I appreciate that he arranged all of this for me. Maybe I even want to hug him.

But ... not enough to actually do it. Not here, not now. And the only part of him I can reach without totally changing my posture is, like, his armpit, and I'm definitely not going to do that. Instead I bend my leg, let my knee gently press into the side of his thigh. And it's possible I'm imagining it, but I think he's pressing back, holding that touch. He's warm.

I look back up at the light show, and I can feel Keith's gaze on me for another few moments before I sense that he's returned his attention to the fireworks as well. We all spend a while just watching, before I hear gentle movement, which brings me back to my surroundings.

Hunk has rolled onto his side and put his arm around Pidge's waist as she lies on her back, and they have their faces close together, murmuring quietly. They seem like they're having a very intimate moment, but they both look up when Shiro clears his throat pointedly. "What makes them different colors?" he says, a bit too loud, and Pidge rolls over into Hunk, then shuffles herself slightly so she's lying on her front and can look at Shiro.

"Metals, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Hunk says. "Metal salts. Different chemical elements burn with different colored flames."

Coran says something that I only barely hear -- I've suddenly realized that this weird feeling in my chest is _jealousy._ I'm jealous that Pidge and Hunk are somehow having a _totally normal_ romance in the middle of all of this, out here, doing the Voltron thing. And, like, why them and not me? I'm the one who's always trying, putting the moves on hot aliens. I _want_ it. And they just ... they just fell into it. And they're so _happy_ , and everybody is happy for them.

Well ... I'm not sure about Shiro. Especially how he interrupted their moment just now, but that's not the only thing. I get the feeling that he's kind of uncomfortable with them being together. And I'm not sure why, because if he had rational concerns about the stability of the team or whatever it's not like he'd keep that to himself. Maybe it's not rational. Maybe it's personal, I know they knew each other before this. Maybe it has something to do with her family, I don't know.

But Keith is definitely all for it -- he gets this soft look on his face when he sees them together, and I'm starting to realize he's a closet romantic. I'm sure part of it is that he feels really brotherly towards Pidge, he cares a lot about her and is always looking out for her. And she's been doing so well since she and Hunk got together, and Keith is really pleased that she's so happy and grounded, which I've been benefiting from, so I guess that's another reason for me to be happy for them.

Allura and Coran, though ... they've been putting on faces like they're pleased that Hunk and Pidge are happy together, but Hunk told me that when Allura found out she was kind of upset, at least at first. I was there when Hunk told Coran, and while he wasn't overtly unhappy about it, he wasn't exactly pleased, and it took him a while to understand why it happened at all. The only explanation that's really worked for him and Allura is just that we're human and we're young, and on Earth it's hardly unusual for people our age to want to pair off, to have romantic and physical relationships.

I got the impression from Coran that romance on Altea was pretty different than what's normal for us, but I didn't manage to actually get any details from him. In light of my recent discovery that he's been fucking with me when he tells me about things, I want to suspect that this isn't true, but I really think it actually is. He would have told me specific things if he was joking, I think, not just expressed surprise and confusion and then clammed up sort of weirdly.

It seems like they've come around, though. To some degree, anyway, and we've all noticed with a bit of relief. Hunk and Pidge used to be a lot more shy about public displays than they are now, trying not to be at all obvious about their relationship. But they've become less careful recently, they touch each other affectionately at meals and on the training deck and stuff, and I actually interrupted them kissing in a corridor a few days ago. Hunk looked terrified at first, until he realized it was me. Pidge was ... I don't know, actually; she closed off like she does and I couldn't tell what she was thinking, but she kept her fingers wrapped around Hunk's the whole time we were talking. And now here, tonight, they're being pretty clearly intimate in a way that suggests there's a physical aspect to their relationship. More than kissing, is what I'm guessing.

I look back at them now. They're both fully engaged in this conversation with Shiro and Coran about the science of fireworks or whatever, and to my surprise it looks like it's Hunk doing most of the talking, spouting off facts and stuff while Pidge chimes in here and there. For as smart as Pidge is, we're all discovering that there are some fairly large gaps in her knowledge. Most of the time she can logic her way through something from a given starting point, but not always. Luckily, Hunk is practically Wikipedia when it comes to random facts. (Like the origin of the name Wikipedia, to name a recent one that caught me by surprise over breakfast the other day.)

There's a touch to my arm, and my heart lurches uncomfortably inside my chest even before I look down and see Keith. He's giving me a look I feel like I've never seen on him before, or maybe I'm just seeing him with fresh eyes right now. He looks soft, affectionate, and I'm nearly overwhelmed with how much I suddenly _want_ him.

My mouth goes dry, and I look away; my eyes fall on Hunk and Pidge again, still talking about science, though I think they may have moved on from metal salts to gunpowder because Pidge is talking about ancient China. Hunk is turned just enough that I can see his face as he watches her, and his expression is like looking in a mirror, it matches what I'm feeling for Keith, that soul-deep fondness.

Even though I'm jealous of what they have, I really couldn't be happier for them. They're two of my very best friends, two of the few people in the universe who I feel have ever really understood me. I might even say that Hunk is my _best_ best friend -- I feel like I can tell him pretty much anything, and I know he's always there for me when I need him, and I know I'll always be there for him. He's more of a brother to me than my actual brother is, like in becoming friends with him I understood what this idea of brotherhood is all about, why people get so serious about it. There's nothing I want more than for Hunk to be happy, and for him to be this happy with another of my best friends is just about perfect.

I realize suddenly that it's not just that I'm happy for them, but I've actually somehow become personally invested in their relationship. Like them being together proves that happiness is possible in the world, even against stupid ridiculous odds. And it occurs to me that if they ever broke up, I'd be personally devastated. A love like theirs should be forever; they're just about enough to make me believe in destiny.

I'm a little bit shocked that I'm in so deep, and I'm about to dig myself in farther (because I must hate myself or something) when I'm distracted by a touch to my leg.

"Hey," Keith says, "you okay?"

"Yeah," I say quickly. "Yeah, no, I'm good."

He raises both eyebrows at me, and the churning feelings I was having about Hunk and Pidge are suddenly about Keith again but when they're about Keith they're so much more raw and I'm not sure if I like them. I wish I could tell what he's thinking, but he just looks ... blank, mostly. A little confused. He's not great at facial expressions which is frustrating and also intrigues me that much more.

Pidge bursts out laughing, and we both turn in time to see Hunk wrap himself around her with a delighted grin on his face. Coran joins in the laughter, though Shiro and Allura look amused but rather befuddled. I missed the joke completely, and I'm getting the sense I wouldn't have understood it anyway; maybe it was that math joke Hunk keeps trying to tell me.

Coran stands up, and from where I'm sitting I can see him smile fondly at Hunk and Pidge for a moment before his gaze turns to Allura and Shiro, and his expression turns wistful for a moment before he looks down at the controls and switches the dome to its usual starscape.

"Oh, are we done?"  It's a stupid thing to say, but it pops out before I can stop myself.

He looks up at me, and his eyebrows draw together. "The program ended about forty ticks ago."

"That's like a minute," Pidge supplies, as though she's being helpful.

"It's starting to get late," Shiro says, sounding as businesslike as ever, and Hunk groans.

"We can't have a morning off?"

"Our opponents have a ten thousand year head start, no we can't have a morning off. An evening was enough."

As Keith gets to his feet, I can't help feeling like something is different between us now, compared to an hour ago, before all of this. And the feeling doubles, triples, when he glances at me through his fringe with a barely-there smile. "So, uh. Did you have a good time tonight?"

I could float up to the ceiling. "Yeah. Yeah, I really did." I hesitate, and I can feel myself blushing. "Thank you."

He ducks his chin, smiles a little broader, and looks away. I can hear Pidge and Hunk still talking with Shiro about something but they don't matter right now -- Keith reminded me that he did this for _me_. He wanted me to have something nice, and he's being all shy about it, and maybe I'm reading too much into this but I kind of think not.

Maybe things actually are different between us now.

 


	8. Intensity

_-Shiro-_

I find Hunk on the training deck. He's not running a battle simulation, looks like, but something that's more of a strength and agility drill, accompanied by a loud dubstep soundtrack. And he's kicking its ass -- he's stripped down to just shorts and shoes, dripping sweat and looking as focused and intense as he ever does. Which is pretty damn intense, when he sets his mind to it. The contrasts he embodies sometimes amaze me, even after all these months. Or, well ... however long it's been out here. I barely know any more. I kind of try not to.

He stops when he notices me, shouts at the computer to turn off the music. "Hey, Shiro."

"Hi." I pick up the towel that was by the door and toss it to him, and he wipes his face, neck, and chest in one motion. "Looks like you're having a good time."

"Yeah," he says, still catching his breath a little. "I feel great today, really strong. What's up?"

"Nothing, really. Just wanted to talk to you about Pidge."

Hunk gets a nervous-guilty look on his face before he quickly pushes it away in favor of a neutral expression. "What about her?"

I can't help smiling a little, trying to reassure him. "I'm not here to scold you, I just wanted to check in, see how things are going between you."

He relaxes slightly. "Oh. Right." He glances around, gestures behind me. "Mind if we sit down to chat? I need water."

"Sure, of course."

I follow him to the edge of the room, and he pulls on a wrinkled tank top before he sits down on the bench and takes a deep drink from his water bottle. It's half empty when he sets it down again. "Whoo, I needed that."

"Gotta stay hydrated."

"Yup."

I sit on the other end of the bench and try to act casual, like I'm not about to pry into his love life. Though it doesn't feel too much like prying since they were being so publicly affectionate during our fireworks thing a couple of weeks ago. And since I'm trying to be a leader, a mentor ... their personal lives _are_ my business, to a degree.

"So, you and Pidge. How are things?"

He smiles and looks down at his hands fidgeting with the bottle. "Things are great. Me and her, we ... yeah. Things are great."

The stammering and smiling is telling me a lot more than the words are. "You really love her, don't you?"

His head pops up like it's on a spring. "I don't -- I mean, I haven't ... we haven't used that word yet."

That's a surprise to me. "You haven't? Why not?"

He grimaces. "I don't know. I guess ... we're just taking things slowly."

"You are? Or she is?"

" _We_ are, because she wants to, she holds back. I ... if I'm totally honest, I think she's afraid of getting too close and getting hurt. I don't want to push anything on her by saying I love her before it's the right time."

"But you do, right? Love her, I mean."

"Of course I do. And if she was ready to hear it I'd tell it to her every moment."

"What makes you think she's not ready?"

He shakes his head. "She's not good at talking about feelings."

"Just because she's not good at talking doesn't mean she doesn't want to hear it. Maybe she's hoping you'll make the first move."

He peers at me. "Have _you_ been talking to her?"

"A little. Not really about this, but we talk sometimes, just us." He's still watching me, like he expects me to elaborate. "In the weeks since you two got together I've noticed she's been ... happier, I think. More centered, more focused. And I think more open to the rest of us, too."

He looks astonished. "I made her like that?"

"You didn't _make_ her, but you helped her be that way. She's more comfortable now. You ground her." I take a breath, run my hand through my hair. "I think what I'm trying to say is that you're good for her. And I think she's good for you, too."

"I know she's good for me," he says softly. "She always has been. And everything's been better since I told her how I feel about her. Well, told her to some extent."

"I think you should tell her the whole extent. I think she's ready to hear it."

"But what if she's not?"

"But what if she is? What if she's been waiting for you to tell her so she can tell you?"

He narrows his eyes at me. "What do you know that I don't?"

"Nothing!" I spread my hands in a gesture of surrender. "Sorry, I'm being pushy. But she mentioned to me that it's apparently her birthday soon, and she asked if you were planning anything."

That does seem to surprise him. "She wants me to plan something?"

"I don't know if she _wants_ you to, but she seemed to think you might."

"Her birthday is tomorrow, I don't think I have _time_ to plan anything. I mean, I was going to make dinner for everybody, but that's not really for her, it's just for ... whatever the Alteans call the day of the week that it is." He's getting wound up, doing his nervous babble. I reach out and touch his shoulder.

"Hey, don't worry about it. I don't think she's looking for something big."

"But what if she is?"

"Hunk, come on, it's Pidge. She's not that kind of person."

He takes a couple breaths. "Yeah. Yeah, she's not."

I keep my hand on him, and try changing the subject slightly. "How old will she be?"

"Eighteen."

"Really? That's older than I thought."

He shrugs. "She's petite, she looks young."

"You all look young." I take my hand down. "You _are_ young. Too young to be out here doing this."

"Hey," he says firmly. "Don't do that, okay? We're all here, we're all choosing to be here. Can't argue with fate, right?"

I don't know if I believe in fate. I'm sure there are other people out there who _could_ be the Paladins of Voltron if one of us wasn't. But I do believe in coincidence, and we're all here now. We're doing this, we have been for a while, and ... it's working. So far. Well enough.

"Her brother always looked young, too," I say, and I'm not sure where that came from. Thinking about Matt. It came on abruptly and the pain is more than I want to deal with but I'm stuck on it now, I can feel my chest tightening and my vision goes a little fuzzy.

"Shiro?"

"Matt's the same age as me. Everybody always thought he was a lot younger."

"It must run in the family." Hunk sounds uncertain, concerned. He puts his hand on my shoulder. "Are you okay, man?"

I shake myself, and he grabs on a little tighter. Part of me wants to shake him off and run, but part of me is glad he has me. I can actually feel the warmth of his hand, on the bit of my shoulder that's still flesh, still human. "I'm okay."

"All right."

I look up and manage to focus on him. He looks like he doesn't believe me. "I'm okay."

He nods, but doesn't say anything. I can't help heaving a sigh. "Well, this has been therapeutic."

Hunk snorts and lets his hand drop. "Yeah. One of us should charge two hundred dollars an hour."

"Hah. Right." I stand up, and smooth the wrinkles out of my pants, some kind of reflex. "Anyway, I'll let you get back to your thing."

"Okay. Yeah. My favorite song's up next so I guess I have to."

"Good man." I clap him on the shoulder, and he stands up. I've got things I need to do too, and even though I didn't really get what I was hoping for from Hunk, I think I got what I needed. I got some peace of mind, some reassurance that things really are as good as they seem between him and Pidge.

"Oh, by the way, Shiro," he says, and I pause, turn back to face him. He's got a secretive smile on his face. "Don't tell anybody, but me and Lance are going to call leg day tomorrow."

I groan dramatically, and his smile broadens. He and Lance have started calling "leg day" every couple of weeks, and they make us all do lunges everywhere instead of walking. Keith and Pidge absolutely hate it. (I've overheard them murmuring about instituting "arm day" but they haven't figured out what that would involve.) Coran seems to enjoy leg day along with them, and Allura participates, but I think she feels like I do, which is that while it's not awful, we can _do_ lunges for a while, we don't exactly like it. I always start feeling wobbly around midday, and the hard part is not letting the fatigue show.

Hunk never appears to get tired. His stamina is amazing. Lance does clearly get tired but he powers through anyway with his unstoppably positive attitude that's very nearly contagious.

He gives me a thumbs-up and heads back into the training deck. I stay for a minute, watching as he ramps up the workout intensity again. He looks really happy -- or, maybe not happy since he's working so hard, but pleased, content. And I can't help being a little jealous.

I mean, I know his life isn't perfect. He has to cope with his anxiety pretty much every day, and he's homesick like the rest of us, and I know he's perpetually frustrated by the food situation here, that nothing is familiar. But he seems like he's doing well, he's not constantly in crisis mode any more, and he's really turned into a fighter over the months we've been out here, he's become a warrior, and still remained the one of us with the biggest heart.

And now ... he's found love. He's in a place with his emotions that he has the energy and room in his heart for Pidge, for making something special with her. For doing that with the same intensity he devotes to everything else that's important.

I hope Pidge understands how special she is to him, how much he _adores_ her. I hope he tells her soon.

 


	9. Supernova

_-Pidge-_

"I talked with Shiro today," Hunk says, breaking me out of the almost-dozing trance I'd fallen into. "About you."

"Oh? What did he say?"

He shifts a little, and I re-settle my head on his shoulder. We're cuddling together in his bunk, as we frequently find ourselves in the evenings these days. His chest is against my arm, and I can feel it rumbling slightly when he speaks. "He grilled me a little. I don't think he meant to, but he did. I think he was trying to get a sense of how serious we are."

My heart flutters; I feel warm and safe and still a little bit liminal, and that's probably why I can ask the question. "How serious are we?"

He swallows. "Pretty serious, I think. I mean ... I'm crazy about you."

_I'm crazy about you too. I love the way you look at me, the way you touch me. You make me feel like I'm going to explode, but in a good way._

My phone dings in my pocket. I don't have to pull it out to know why. "Midnight, Salt Lake City time."

"Happy birthday," Hunk says.

"Thank you."

"I didn't know what to get you."

I shake my head. "You don't have to get me anything."

"I know." He takes a breath, and I can tell he's nervous. "But I did anyway."

My heart thumps inside my chest. "Oh?"

He rolls over a little more, wrapping his arm around my waist, his other hand on my shoulder, holding me as close as I can get. His face is so near I can't focus on it; I close my eyes instead.

And then he sets his forehead against mine and whispers: "I love you."

It hits me unexpectedly, this big warm _something_ \-- my heart fills, expands, a supernova in my chest. It's bigger than I thought I could ever be. I don't know how I'm holding together, how my tungsten heart is taking all of this. I think I'm going to burn out but I just keep going.

"I love you too." I think I sound like I'm crying. I don't know if I am. Maybe.

He kisses me. It feels like the most important kiss in the world. I want to melt into him, to never stop feeling his body against me, his lips on mine, the way our breaths mingle. My arm wraps around his shoulders, keeping him right here, right where I need him.

It's not enough; I want more. I don't know how to _get_ more, exactly, given the limitations of physical bodies. But there's got to be a way.

I slide my leg up and over his, hooking my foot behind his knee, and I draw it down between my thighs. He makes a little gasping sound. "Pidge."

"Please," I say. "I want you."

"God, I want you too." He rolls into me, half on top of me. It's amazing and it's _still not enough._

I pull him into another kiss, and I can't help moaning a little. He shifts his thigh between mine, just a bit higher, and it's like he was reading my mind because for him to touch me _there_ is exactly what I need. I squeeze him between my legs and it's too much, so much more than I ever thought--

" _Hunk-_ -"

It's like being caught in a wave, one of the big ones on the ocean. I saw it coming but the reality is surprising, it's bigger and stronger and it drags me under before I know how to react. But then, like a wave, it recedes, leaving me gasping and astonished, and he's still here, he's right here, holding me tight and breathing hard himself.

"Did you--?"

He stops abruptly, doesn't finish the thought. He doesn't have to. I'm not sure if I should be embarrassed but I'm starting to get the rubbery feeling so I don't care. "Yes."

"Fuck." It's a low groan; I've never heard him say that word like that before, and I'm not sure what he means, but his tone is making me pleasantly tingly.

"It was good?" I just want to reassure him that I'm not upset -- I'm _very_ far from being upset.

He laughs, a breathy chuckle against my cheek. "Good." He shifts a little, and it's only when he pulls back that I realize what was pressed into my hip. "Well, that saves me from asking if you want that sort of thing."

"I do want it, I _really_ do. Just so there's no question."

"Good. I ... I want it too."

"I know."

"Am I that obvious?"

"No, no," I laugh. "No, it's just ... I know you. And we're both adults, so it's not surprising that we'd want to ... yeah."

"You can say it," he murmurs, with a gentle smile in his voice. "Have sex."

_Jesus,_ hearing him say it like that, in that low voice, with his leg still between mine ... it's the sexiest thing I've ever heard, it sends those tingles through me again, from my core down to my toes and up to my scalp. I can't hold back the little moan that escapes my throat and I think it might be his name.

"Pidge?" He's breathless.

"I'm good." I think I'm gasping. "Just having a ... a moment."

"Wow."

A giggle bursts out of me, slightly hysterical, and I clutch his shoulder. "Sorry."

"What? No, don't be sorry!" He pushes up on his elbow and looks down at me with a gorgeous smile on his face. "I'm just ... this is pretty amazing."

I set my palm on his cheek. "I'm glad you think so."

He turns his head a little, just enough to capture my fingertips with his lips and give them nibbly kisses.

"What about you?" I murmur.

He gives me a questioning look, so I flex my thigh, the one that's between his legs, and his face goes slack with pleasure for a moment. "Oh."

"Well?"

He brings his face down to mine and kisses me with more heat than there's ever been between us before. I feel incandescent. And then he does this thing with his body, I don't even know what it is, like a press-and-roll that uses every muscle. It tells me how much he _wants_ me, and that feeling, that realization, wakes up a whole other level of desire.

But then he lifts away, looking slightly pained. "I'm sorry."

I've never been more confused. "What?"

He shakes his head. "It -- you feel amazing. But I don't -- my clothes."

"I don't know what you're saying."

He bites his lip and closes his eyes for a moment. "I don't want to ... come in my pants."

Oh -- _oh._ Because that is actually a consideration for him, the mess. I'm embarrassed that I didn't think of it. "Hunk--"

"No, it's okay." He rolls away, off of me, and settles on his side, leaving me feeling slightly chilled where he was lying on me. "Don't worry about me, I can take care of it in a bit. After you go."

That's not fair at all; if I get to do this, he should too. "But I want to do this for you."

He folds his arm up under his head and gives me a fond smile. "Dude, I love you, but I think we've shattered enough boundaries for one night. I don't think I can do that too, not so quickly. I'd probably get performance anxiety anyway and just ... fizzle."

I can hardly bear the feeling in my heart. "I love you."

His smile broadens, and I roll onto my side, pressing a kiss to his lips that's much more chaste than what came before. It's hard to hold back when I just want to ... to _absorb_ him.

"Are you sure?" I whisper.

"Mm-hmm." He nods. "Thank you, though. I will take you up on your offer, just ... another night."

"Okay." I'm sure I sound disappointed, and I wish I didn't; I don't want to pressure him. But I'm finally ready to take this step, and I'm so _excited_ about it right now, it's kind of a shame that we're not going to go farther tonight.

He drapes his arm over my shoulder and touches my chin with one finger, caressing me idly -- and just like that the intimacy is back, I feel filled with him. Like I could lie here in his arms forever; perfectly, flawlessly content.

 


	10. Segfault

_-Hunk-_

Making out with Pidge in my lion's hangar feels very naughty, and is _unbelievably_ exciting.

We're in the waiting stage of a project, and as seems to be happening these days, we both have the idea to fill the idle time with something that is still exciting for its newness: finding out all the different ways we can touch each other right now. Exploring to see where our boundaries are. Neither of us has found one yet, though I've been psyching myself up to ask about touching her breasts. I want to know what they feel like, I want to know if she'll enjoy my touch, if it'll bring her pleasure. Bringing her pleasure has become a fixation for me recently, though I guess that shouldn't be a surprise.  It would be way too easy for that obsession to consume me completely.

A noise scares the shit out of both of us, and we jerk apart with a noisy gasp, turning towards the door and peering over the pile of equipment to see who it is we'll have to make excuses to.

It's Lance, to my immense relief. He looks confused. "Um ... what are you guys doing?"

"Code's compiling," Pidge says quickly, trying to adjust her glasses. There's an obvious smudge on one lens from my nose.

"What?"

"I wrote code. Well, I mean, we both did. Together." She pauses, takes a couple of steadying breaths. "We're working on an optimization for the lion hangars' power usage and I think I can do it as a software patch with minimal hardware upgrades and we finished the code but it has to compile before we can test it."

Lance looks at her like she's speaking another language, then turns to me. "What did she say?"

"Uh." Great. I was hoping there was enough blood going to my brain that I could still language, but I guess not. _Focus, Hunk._ "We're doing an upgrade on the power systems," I say -- which sounds pretty clear, I think.   _Pidge is straddling my thigh, she's literally still sitting on me._ "The code takes time to compile before we can actually run the program."

Lance nods, but he still looks suspicious. "How long does it take for code to compile?"

"This program is pretty long," Pidge says. "It could be a while. Maybe half an hour."

And then Lance _smirks,_ and I can tell he knows (obviously he knows) and I could die of embarrassment. "So you two were just passing the time, huh?"

Pidge immediately flushes. "Well, uh ... yeah."

"In a sexy way?"

"Oh my god, _Lance!_ " She gets to her feet all at once, but then it seems that doesn't seem to know what to do with herself once she's there.

Lance laughs, honestly tips his head back and laughs, and I feel like maybe I ought to be angry with him but he's just so -- he's just so Lance. I know he's happy for us, he's giving us a hard time because he loves us and that's how he does, and I find I don't mind, I'm not even embarrassed any more. I love that he knows how I feel about Pidge, I love that _everybody_ knows, I love that it's not a secret. I love that I can show it like this and everybody just takes it as understood that Pidge and I are special to each other, and that this extends to physical intimacy too.

Pidge is looking between me and Lance, and her expression is softening into the beginnings of a smile.

"You're a good sport, Pidge," Lance says, stepping closer and bumping her on the shoulder with his fist.

She shifts her weight to the other foot and crosses her arms. "Yeah, well."

"What are you guys _actually_ doing?"

"We're actually working on code," I say. "It does take a while for something big to compile."

Lance raises both eyebrows. "Wait, really? Because that totally sounded like an excuse when you said it before."

"Nope. Truth."

Pidge takes her glasses off, apparently just having noticed the big smudge. She inspects the dirty lens, and starts polishing it with the hem of her shirt. From down here I can see the skin of her belly, and I have to work very hard not to focus right in on that, on the desire I feel for her. I try to look at her face instead; she's still blushing, and I feel a telltale sympathetic prickle of my own.

"I really shouldn't be surprised any more," Lance mutters.

I hoist myself to my feet, since I'm starting to feel awkward being the only one on the floor. "At least you know who to find if you need something fixed."

"I've always known," Lance says with a grin. "Since that first day I got to our dorm room and saw you in the corner with the socket plate off and a screwdriver in your hand."

"Gross!" Pidge says, melodramatically and with obvious fondness. "Get a room."

Lance throws his arm around my neck. "Excuse you, we _had_ a perfectly good one at the Garrison, until we followed you up onto the roof and then all of this happened."

She leans against the console with a sly smile. "I didn't ask you to follow me."

"Good thing we did, though," I say, reaching out and brushing her shoulder with my fingers; she leans minutely into my touch.

"I dunno, I'm not convinced," Lance says. "There's no pizza out here."

God, _pizza_. It's one of the handful of things I try not to think about because it just hurts too much. "At least I have my own room now," I say instead. "Don't have to suffer your farts every night."

Lance tightens his arm with a laugh. "Look who's talking."

"Tease all you want, man, yours are worse and you know it."

Lance looks at Pidge. "Keep this conversation in mind if he ever asks you to move in with him."

Her face breaks into a huge grin, and she ducks her head, sways a little bit, shyly. I suddenly get the feeling that she'd say yes if I asked her. Not that I'd thought about it at all, until now.

 _Sharing a room with Pidge. Sleeping with Pidge, actually sleeping, every night._ It's going to be hard to get this out of my head because I absolutely want it but it's also absolutely way too soon to seriously bring it up.

There's a small electronic noise, and Pidge turns to the main screen we've been working on. "Fucking _shit,_ segfault?!"

My heart sinks. "No, you're kidding."

She's completely focused in on the computer already. "God damn it."

Lance lets go of me and I step over, looking over her shoulder at the quickly-scrolling text. "Dude, let me help you debug that. I helped write it, I probably wrote the broken bit anyway."

She shakes her head. "No, it's okay, I've got it."

"Pidge." I push on her shoulder enough to disrupt her balance, and she looks up at me in annoyance. "It's like a thousand lines of code. Let me help."

She looks for a second like she's about to dig in and say no again, but then she sighs. "Yeah, okay."

"I guess I should leave you to it," Lance says, and we both turn suddenly -- I'd actually forgotten for a second that he was here.

"You don't have to," I say automatically, and Lance shakes his head.

"No, it's okay, you're doing your computer thing which is not my thing at all. I'll see you guys at dinner."

"Okay..."

He gives me a half smile, and a little wave, and then turns and meanders towards the door.

"What part of this do you want to do?" Pidge says.

"What?" There's too many things going on, and I realize that after a long afternoon of working on this project I'm starting to get hungry and fuzzy.

"If we're going to share the debugging. What part do you want?"

"Why don't we take a little break first," I say, before I can talk myself out of it. "Catch Lance up, have a little snack? Come back to it clear-headed."

She frowns. "Are you seriously hungry?"

"Yes." I blink at her, and I can't help feeling a little bit hurt by her tone. "I mean, like ... I know I can't stop you from working on this now, but I think we could use a break."

"We were just taking a break, before Lance got here. Or does making out with me not count as a break? Is that work?"

She's getting prickly and defensive and I really am not in a space to handle this from her right now. I rub my eyes. "Pidge, I don't wanna fight."

Her posture changes, very slightly, and I get the sense she knows she's been called out. "Right. Yeah."

"All you've had since breakfast is un-coffee. Let's get a bite."

"I'm not hungry."

"Well, okay. But come with me anyway. Please?"

She droops suddenly, then sucks in a deep breath and pulls herself upright again. "Fine. But I'm bringing a copy of the code on my tablet."

"Okay. We can work while we eat."

She nods, but she doesn't look happy. I make the executive decision not to try to change her mood, and instead jog towards the door of the hangar.

"Hey! Lance!"

He stops and turns, looking surprised. "Hey."

"You want to hit the kitchen?"

He smiles, and I see him glance quickly behind me at Pidge, who I know is trudging towards us, carrying her tablet and looking grouchy. "Yeah, I could eat. I think there's fruit from that planet still."

"I thought you didn't like that fruit very much."

He shrugs. "Beats goo."

"Pretty much everything beats goo."

"Including mediocre fruit." He turns around. "You coming, Pidge?"

"Yeah, yeah." I turn; she's only just cleared the door to the hangar, and taps the console to close it. She looks about as grouchy as I'd predicted, and it makes my heart hurt a little.

"We should see if we have any other snacks stashed away somewhere," I say to Lance.

He grins at me. "Like you'd forget where you hid snacks."

"It's been known to happen."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Segfault](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Segmentation_fault)


	11. Unbearable

_-Keith-_

The lights are on in the green lion's hangar, which means that Pidge is probably here. I don't see her immediately, though, and it's very quiet except for the usual background noise of the ship.

"Pidge?"

There's a noise in response, something like a wet hiccup, and it echoes around the space, I can't triangulate where it came from. "Pidge, are you in here?"

"I'm here."

It's her, but she sounds really weird. I take a few more steps, and then I see her, sitting on the lion's paw, leaned against its foreleg, looking definitely like she's trying to hide. "What are you doing?"

She turns to look at me over her shoulder, then shakes her head, lets it droop forward with her face out of sight again.

That lightness about her that I've gotten used to seeing isn't there. She looks like the weight of the world is on her shoulders, and she's not even trying to hold it up.

This isn't okay.

I almost stumble over my own feet in my haste to get over to her, and she doesn't acknowledge me. I don't want to intrude, but she has me scared. I crouch in front of her. "Pidge?"

She shakes her head. "Everything happens so much."

Hearing her voice is a punch in the gut. I've _never_ heard her like this, sounding like the darkest, the lowest things in the universe have got her, dragged her down into despair.  I can barely breathe. "What?"

She shakes her head again, sniffles, swallows loudly. "Sorry."

"No, oh my god, no, don't apologize." I have no idea what I'm saying, or how I can possibly help.

"That's all I _can_ do, don't take that away from me too." She lifts her head, and her face is red and streaked with tears. I'm still completely baffled, and now even more afraid that something really bad went down.

"Jesus, Pidge, what happened? Why are you -- what happened?"

"I don't know, I just ..." She takes a shuddering breath. "You really want to know?"

"Yeah."

"Right.  Okay."  She's quiet for a moment.  "So, yesterday me and Hunk were working on a program for -- well, it doesn't matter. But it segfaulted, and so we had to debug it. He was convinced he'd made the mistake, and I thought he had too, but then he found it in a part that I had written without his input and ..." She stops, swallows, takes a couple of quick breaths, like she's trying not to cry. "And he didn't say anything, he just showed me that he'd found it and let me fix it and then we went on like ... like I wasn't the one who cost us however many hours." She closes her eyes and hunches down in on herself, and I get the feeling that she's done talking but that didn't seem like an ending to me.

"I don't understand."

She shakes her head. "He's too good for me. He's _perfect,_ he's so wonderful and I don't deserve him, I'm arrogant and rude and I can't even admit to him when I fucked up our project."

"Pidge...."

"Just, all of this." Her voice is muffled now, by her arms and knees. "It shouldn't be me, I don't deserve any of this. We shouldn't be like this, not with our mission. I don't know why he picked me but he shouldn't have. I shouldn't have let this happen."

"He didn't exactly _pick_ you, it just happened. He's in love with you."

"He shouldn't love me."

"Don't you deserve love?" I say, and I can hardly believe those words are coming out of my mouth, but it's _Pidge_ , and if I can say it to anyone I can say it to her. "Don't we all deserve love?"

She lets out a little sob that breaks my heart, and the pain of it is shocking. To feel guilty about being in love -- about being in love with Hunk, of all people, who is obviously the best of us -- it's unspeakably tragic. I suddenly feel like I have a sense for how dark it is when things get dark for her. To think that she doesn't deserve Hunk's love is unimaginable to me -- if anyone does, it's her. She's the only one of us who's smarter than he is and it's clear that he adores her for it.

Another thing she said suddenly sticks in my brain. "And you -- you're worried that your relationship with him is bad for the mission?"

"Isn't it?" Her voice is flat.

"No? Not that I can see. You and him coordinate better than you ever have, and with the rest of us too, I think. We're all better for it."

"I'm not sure if I believe you."

"The facts don't care if you believe me. All of our missions since you became a couple have been smooth. I don't think it's all coincidence."

"Sure, okay. Whatever." She picks up her face and sets her chin on her wrists, but she looks away from me. "But ... it can't possibly last. I'll fuck it up somehow."

"No you won't."

"You don't know that. You don't know how it is between us. Fuck, _I_ barely know."

"I'm sure you won't fuck it up, Pidge."

"You don't know that. Nobody knows that. I could be fucking it up right now."

"You're being ridiculous."

"Am I, though? I mean ... I've never been in love before. I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, or what I'm supposed to do. What if I'm doing it wrong?"

"Pidge--"

"No, Keith, listen -- what if I am? Would he tell me?  Would he even know?"

"There's no concrete right or wrong in this. You can't define it."

"But what if I can? What if I want to?"

"It doesn't work that way!" I've had enough crouching, and I sit hard on the floor in front of her. "You can't control relationships. They just happen."

"And you know how?"

"It's not that different, a romantic relationship versus a different kind. It's all just people. You do the best you can and sometimes it's enough and sometimes it isn't."

She's quiet for a long couple of minutes, and finally she sighs and turns her head towards the window. "What if it doesn't last between us?"

Amazingly, I have a response for that already prepared. "Not to be that stereotypically gay, but to quote Taylor Swift, either it's gonna be forever, or it's gonna go down in flames."

She actually cracks a smile at that, though her eyes are still wet, and she sniffs. "I didn't expect you to quote Taylor Swift."

"You expected Lance?"

"Yeah."

"Lance is more into Shakira than Taylor when it comes to retro girl pop."

"That's so much more specific than I expected."

"Yeah, well." I smile at her, and she smiles back hesitantly before she takes her glasses off and starts cleaning them.

We're quiet for a beat, and there's a question nagging at my mind that I know I'll have to get out, because if I don't I'm going to be upset about not knowing if this is part of what's getting her down.

"So, um." My voice is weak, and I clear my throat. "Have you and Hunk ... uh. You know."

She wipes her eyes with her wrist. "I _don't_ know, have we what?"

"God, Pidge, don't make me say it." She puts her glasses back on and glances up at me through her eyelashes, and that's when I _know_ she's fucking with me but I'm in this deep, I can't really back down. I'll just have to ask her outright. "Have you had sex with him?"

She's already sort of pink from crying, but she definitely goes pinker -- I think maybe she thought I'd back down. "No, not ... not really."

"Not _really?_ "

"I mean, we've done ... some stuff. Clothes on. Just kind of ... making out kinds of things."

I don't really know what she means, since I've never had a boyfriend. But she doesn't seem to consider it sex. "You guys are taking it slow?"

She shrugs. "I guess."

"You guess?"

"What do you want?" she says, with an edge of defensiveness. "I'm not going to give you the play-by-play."

"Yeah, all right." I don't exactly want the details, and I don't know why I was asking. "I dunno, I guess I just want to make sure you're okay with everything."

She rolls her eyes, and she's seeming much more like herself. "I can handle myself. You don't have to be my big brother, Shiro's already doing that."

I smile at her, and I feel almost unbearably fond. "Can I, though?"

"If you must." Her tone is weary, but her face betrays that she's actually pleased.

"But things are okay with Hunk?"

"Yes, things are okay with Hunk. Things are _amazing_ with Hunk, you know that. He's Hunk."

"I know, it's just ... you and him have always had something special that the rest of us don't really get. I can't always tell what's going on between you."

She raises her eyebrows. "I could say the same about you and Lance."

"We're not a couple."

"Yes you are. Maybe you've got your heads too far up your own asses to acknowledge it, but you totally are. He's been obsessed with you since forever, and I know you like him."

"That doesn't make us a couple."

"Just kiss him already, you both want it."

That hits very close to home, and now it's my turn to blush; I can feel my neck prickling, and then my ears. "Shut up."

She smiles in a self-satisfied way, but I'm getting a feeling that she's plastering partly-fake cheerfulness over the top of lingering despair. "Let's get out of here," she says. "Training deck? I feel like kicking your ass for making us have that conversation."

"Ha! Right." I get to my feet at the same time as she does. "I'll let you pick the sim so it's a fair fight."

"You'll live to regret that."

 


	12. Intangible

_-Shiro-_

I start for the door of the electronics lab, but I stop short when I look through the window.

Pidge is sitting on a bench in the back of the room, and Hunk is on his knees before her, between her spread thighs. His big hands are on her hips, and her slim fingers are in his hair, and they're kissing one another, slowly, dreamily, like time means something different for them. Perhaps it does.

They haven't noticed me. I should go, I should leave them be. Give them privacy.

But I'm frozen, staring, feeling ... something. Something confusing. Like a mix of all sorts of different things. Happy and proud and nervous and envious and filled with awful intangible longing.

What's it like to be in love? I was, once. I think. I don't remember what it felt like, though. Not any more. It's been too long. Not even that long, but far too much in between.

Pidge shifts minutely forward and deepens the kiss. Hunk's hands slide around her waist and I look away.

_She reminds me of Matt._

I don't want to think about that. About Matt, about Sam, about where they are now. About Laura, back on Earth, alone.

I wish they could know that Pidge came for them. I wish they could know that she's happy.

_I wish Matt could know that I think about him every day._

A quiet footfall shakes me out of my head -- it's Keith. I don't think he's seen Pidge and Hunk, and he looks like he's about to say something so I lift my finger to my lips and finally turn away from that moment I shouldn't be witnessing anyway. Keith looks confused, but he stays where he is while I take the few steps to him.

"Hunk and Pidge," I murmur. "They're having, uh ... a moment, I guess you'd say."

He raises his eyebrows. "Making out?"

"Yeah." I head back out to the main corridor, and Keith follows me. "You find them doing that a lot?"

He lets out a breathy little laugh. "I wouldn't say a _lot,_ but I know we've all interrupted them."

"Yeah, I did that last night because I needed to talk to Pidge, which is why I didn't today. They're always nice about it but I still feel bad."

Keith seems to hesitate. "How is Pidge?"

"What do you mean?"

He grimaces. "I, um. I sort of had a talk with her yesterday morning. She was having a rough time."

"With Hunk? He didn't ... do anything, did he? She seemed fine when I saw her."

Keith looks momentarily horrified and shakes his head quickly. "No, nothing like that. She just ... I know you know she gets depressed sometimes."

I do know. I don't think _she_ really does, though, which makes it harder on her when she gets that way, since she doesn't know what's going on. "What happened?"

He still looks uncomfortable. "It was as bad as I've ever seen her.  I found her crying in the green lion's hangar. She ... I don't know. She thought Hunk didn't really love her, or something. She told me she didn't deserve him."

"Christ." I rub my eyes. "Poor kid."

"No kidding."

"Does Hunk know?"

Keith heaves a sigh and crosses his arms. "I mean, probably? Some of it? He must know she gets those moods but I don't think she's told him the part about thinking she doesn't deserve him."

"God, I don't know whether to hope she has or she hasn't."

"I know. Like, he deserves to know so he can reassure her, but...." He's grasping for words, but I understand.

"Yeah. It's out of his control; he shouldn't have to worry about that. He worries so much anyway."

"Yeah." Keith uncrosses his arms, but doesn't seem to know what to do with them, and crosses them again. "I was actually looking for you, just now. Not about Pidge."

I'm grateful for the change in topic; Pidge's moods are something to bring up with her another time. "It's good you found me, then."

Keith seems even more awkward than before, though, and he's very carefully not looking at me as we walk. "I wanted to ask you something about Lance."

"About Lance?"

"Yeah." He scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. "Pidge said he likes me."

I almost laugh, but I rein it in because of Keith's expression. "What, like middle school?"

He scowls. "No! Well ... yes. She said I should kiss him already because we both want it."

"Right, because that's exactly what I need, all of my paladins paired off and obsessed with sex."

The scowl grows darker. "Sor- _ry_ , Captain, but it's not about you and it's not like we can do anything about how we feel."

I'm really resisting the bitterness that's welling up inside me. "Lance does like you. Even though he's a jackass about it so much of the time, it's because he's emotionally constipated." I sigh. "I think he'd like it if you kissed him. Might even improve him."

Keith is turning red, and he looks like he's on the verge of maybe smiling, so that must be what he wanted to hear.

I realize I've been lucky, so far. Pidge and Hunk's romance started sort of out of the blue, although no one was actually surprised but them. And their relationship has been completely undramatic, except for apparently Pidge having a minor meltdown yesterday over her own insecurity. Them being together may have actually made things _more_ efficient around here, since Pidge now spends time kissing Hunk that she might otherwise have spent enlisting his help to fix things that aren't broken.

I just hope she doesn't get pregnant. And I instantly hate myself for thinking that. They're literally the smartest people I know, and where Pidge may lack some common sense, Hunk has an overabundance; he's the most cautious of all of us. They're young, but they're not stupid.

All the same, maybe I should talk to Allura and Coran about how human fertility works, so they can be prepared for when Hunk and Pidge decide they want to go all the way. Though I'm not sure I know enough biology to give them useful information about contraception, if Altean biology is much different from ours.

"This is me," Keith says, startling me out of my thoughts, and he gestures at the corridor that leads to the training deck. "I was going to see if Pidge wanted to spar but she's busy."

"Oh. Yeah, probably a good call, not interrupting."

"You want to come instead?"

I think about saying yes, but I shake my head. "No, sorry, not right now. I have to find Coran. Maybe when I'm done I'll see if you're still there."

Keith nods. "Okay. Good luck with your thing with Coran."

 


	13. Transparency

_-Hunk-_

"So, I've been nervous to bring this up," I say. "But I think by now, I really ought to tell you about my past."

She picks her head up off my shoulder and looks at me with wide eyes. "Your past is something you need to tell me about?"

And here are the irrational nerves, right on schedule.  "I mean, not that there's really anything to tell, but transparency, right?"

"Right...."

Her hesitance is making me even more anxious. "What?"

She shakes her head. "It's just that I don't really want to know."

"I'm sure whatever you're thinking is nothing like reality. Can I tell you? I want you to know."

She sighs. "Yeah, okay. I guess knowing is better than not."

"I don't have to."

"No, no, it's okay. You obviously want to, and I'm sure you'd keep wanting to if you don't now, so go ahead and do it."

"Thank you." I take a minute to collect my thoughts. "So, the short version is I've been in love once before, and I've been in a relationship once before."

"The way you say that, it sounds like they weren't the same person."

"They weren't."

"Ooh, drama."

I roll my eyes. "Not so much. The relationship was first, when I was fifteen I dated a girl named Tamiko for like three months. We kissed some and held hands a lot but I wasn't that interested in her romantically, she wanted more than I did so we didn't last."

"She wanted sex and you didn't?"

"You have a way of getting right to the point."

"You know I don't have any patience for crap."

I smile, and my heart feels a little lighter. "Yeah, well. Then this is my opening to tell you I'm demisexual. I didn't want to have sex with her because I wasn't in love with her."

She looks like the pieces have all suddenly fallen into place. "Oh!"

"Yeah."

"Okay, that makes sense."

"So that leads me to the time I was in love."

Her face softens. "Sounds like that one wasn't mutual."

"It wasn't. His name's Nick, and he'd been my best friend since fifth grade. And around the time I turned seventeen I realized I was in love with him."

"Let me guess, he's straight?"

"Yeah. I tried to hint that I was interested in him, but you know I'm terrible at subtlety."

"What happened?"

"Nothing. He knew I'm bi, but he had a serious girlfriend all through high school, and we stayed good friends. I told a couple of other close friends that I was attracted to him and they kept it secret for me, so I just spent senior year sexually frustrated."

"Then after you graduated you enlisted at the Galaxy Garrison."

"Yup. Nick went to UH Manoa, I went to Utah. I haven't talked to him since we left home." I tighten my arm around Pidge. "So that's my past."

"I'm glad you told me," she says quietly. "I was afraid ... I don't know."

"What, that I was some kind of ladykiller with tons of experience?"

"Well ... yeah. And you know, I thought maybe something happened with you and Shay."

That throws me for a loop. "With Shay? From the Balmera?"

"What other Shay is there? You were pretty obsessed with her."

"I wasn't in love with her," I say, shaking my head. "She was kind of like Tamiko. I liked her, but not nearly enough to try to make anything work between us.The logistics would have been a nightmare, for one thing."

"Well, that's true."

"I thought you guys were just teasing when you called her my girlfriend, I'd only known her for like three days at that point. Did you really think ... I have no idea what you might have thought."

Pidge purses her lips for a moment, considering. "I don't know if we really _thought_ , but we thought it was possible. Or, I did. Or I was afraid it was." She huffs. "I don't know. That was a while ago and I was still kind of confused about how I felt about you."

I reach up and touch her cheek. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"What's your past like?"

She lets out a little giggle. "Come on, Hunk, you know I don't have one."

"You've never been in love before? No crushes?"

She smiles awkwardly and there's a hint of a blush on her cheeks. "Nothing worth mentioning. Little crushes here and there, nothing that lasted very long."

"Come on, there's got to be something. I showed you mine?"

She bites her lip. "Well, only because you asked."

There's a beat of silence before I get impatient. "Well?"

"I had this big crush on a girl a year ahead of me in high school, Jeanette. She did theatre so I joined up and worked lights on a show she was in. She never even spoke to me. I don't think she knew my name."

"That's cute. What was the show?"

" _Into the Woods_."

"Oh wow, your high school did Sondheim?"

"Sondheim?"

"He wrote it? And a bunch of other really good late-20th-Century musicals?"

She gives me a confused look. "How do you know so much about musical theatre?"

I shrug. "Just lucky, I guess."

"Sure."

"So, was there anybody else, besides Jeanette?"  I get the feeling that isn't what she was going to tell me.  "Or was she the only one?"

"Well ... um." She exhales forcefully. "Ugh, okay. My first real crush was Shiro."

"Oh my god!" It bursts out of me before I can stop myself, and I put my hand over my mouth. "I'm sorry. But, oh my god!"

She rolls her eyes. "I was thirteen. Matt and him were roommates at the Garrison and he brought him home for Thanksgiving after their first semester. And, well ... he's hot."

"That is true."

"Yeah."  She smiles, and seems like she's starting to relax.  "He's hot, and I was thirteen, and he was my brother's friend, and he talked to me like I was a real person and not a kid. So I nursed a crush for a bit."

"This is so much better than anything I had hoped for."

"It was just a crush, it never meant anything and it didn't last long. Nothing did, until you."

She's obviously trying to turn my attention off the Shiro thing, and I'm happy to indulge her, if she's about to compliment me. "How long has it been? With me, I mean."

She blows out a breath, and I can see her thinking. "Well, we've been together, what, four months now? I think?"

"It's like the end of August now."

"Yeah. I think it was around the middle of May when you kissed me? But I wanted you for a good couple of months before that, and I know now that I loved you even before I realized it."

My heart is so full right now; I had no idea the extent of this. I'd sort of thought she hadn't really thought about me this way much before that day I asked to kiss her, and now, in light of this ... I'm too overcome with emotion to speak.

"If I'm totally honest with myself," she continues, slowly, "I think I started to fall for you the first time I heard you over the comm in my helmet, right after we all became Paladins. Like, even back home in Utah, I knew you were capable and a genius and whatever even though we all sucked. But then you were the Yellow Paladin, and it was like ... not that I knew you all that well at the time, but I got the sense that when you put on that armor you became fully yourself, and there was a part of me that loved you instantly. In retrospect, anyway."

I can feel the tears in my eyes, and there's no use fighting it: I'm going to cry. "I wasn't even sure you liked me very much back then."

"I'm bad at -- at feelings." She looks down at my chest. "And I had a lot going on back then. I was uncomfortable showing it, so I guess I overcompensated, at first. Until I got to know you better."

"It's okay. That's all in the past, and it doesn't matter."

Her eyes lift to mine again. "But maybe we could have had this sooner."

"No, we couldn't. You weren't ready. It happened in its time."

"I was ready, though. I _wanted_ you, I just didn't know how to tell you."

"Pidge, I really think that you didn't know how to tell me because you weren't actually _ready_ to do it. Obviously the foundation was already there, but I got the signal to take the next step when you were prepared to give it."

She puts her head on my shoulder and hugs me tightly. "How long was it for you?"

"What?"

"How long did you like me before that day when you asked to kiss me?"

"Oh. Um." I have to actually stop and think. "I'm not sure. It was ... gradual. I mean, I liked you when I first met you, but in the way that I like everybody. I knew you were special when I saw your computer setup that night on the roof, and after that, after we came out here, I always wanted to spend more and more time with you."

"Me too," she says softly. "The wanting to spend time with you."

"At first I thought it was just because you were smart and we liked the same things."

"And because you're funny and nice and you make me feel special. And you're good with a soldering iron." She smiles. "Looking back it's clear why I wanted to hang out with you all the time."

"Not the soldering iron?"

"Only sometimes."

"I remember _realizing_ I loved you." The moment is one I hope I never forget. "We were all on the training deck, that day Coran convinced Shiro that quarter staffs were a good idea? You were sparring against Lance, and he was talking shit, and after he got in that one solid hit you came out of nowhere and totally wiped the floor with him. So then you were standing there, your foot on his solar plexus, looking so triumphant, and you looked at me and suddenly I knew I was in love with you."

She grins broadly. "That's awesome."

"It is, yeah."

"And what's really great is that I was _totally_ trying to show off for you that day. I'm kind of amazed it worked."

"Wait, what? Really?!"

"Yeah. It was right after I figured out _I_ was in love with _you_. Like maybe a few days later, a week at most."

God, how can she be so perfect? "You're incredible."

"I know."

I laugh and hold her tighter, and she giggles against my chest. "You know what made me realize I loved you?"

"What?"

"That afternoon you and Keith were sitting out in the grass on that planet burping at each other."

"Oh, no!" I slap my hand to my forehead and my face immediately gets hot. "Tell me that isn't true."

"That's not the whole thing! The part that got me was when me and Lance were walking over to you guys and Keith got really embarrassed, but you looked right at me and belched _hi_ with this shit-eating grin and Keith just about died. That was when I knew I was in love with you."

"Oh my god."

"Yup. Sorry."

"That was seriously _not_ my finest moment."

"I know, and that's why it's so great. I love you when you're being weird and gross, I love you as you are. You don't have to be sweet and romantic." She picks up her head and touches my cheek. "You don't have to act like the boyfriend you think I want. You _are_ the boyfriend I want already. You don't have to change a bit."

I wrap my arms around her and hold her against my side as tightly as I can. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

"Everything," she murmurs. "Just being you. You're everything I want."

"You're everything I ever dreamed about."

"Let's stop being sentimental and get back to kissing," she says.

It takes everything I have not to burst into delighted laughter. "Okay."

 


	14. Interstellar Medium

_-Pidge-_

My favorite window in the whole castle is the one in my lion's hangar. I've been finding myself here more and more, just to sit with her and look out at whatever happens to be outside, wherever we are. And I think she likes it; the mechanical hum of the ship feels sort of like purring when I'm just hanging out with her like this, listening to music or whatever while the universe goes by outside. Sometimes -- like today -- she'll lie down, and I can lounge on her nose, which is surprisingly comfortable.

Right now there isn't much of anything outside -- we're "between planets" as Coran says, like your slacker uncle who insists he's looking for a job but you know he's perfectly happy being unemployed. Coran genuinely likes it out here, in the void.

My lion notices our visitor before I do, and I can tell she knows by the mechanical vibrations that come up through her metal skin, and then I get the telepathic sensation that her tail is twitching, but she's not aggressive, just interested. Happy, even.

I take my headphones off and turn -- Hunk has just come through the door. "Hey."

"Hi. Are you...?"

"No, come on in."

He starts over.  "How are you?"

"I'm good.  Even keel."  I know that Keith told everyone about that day last week.  I'm getting a little tired of people asking how I am with that tone, but Hunk gets a pass because he's always talked like this.

It takes him a minute to walk from the door all the way to where I am, and he sets his hand tentatively on Green's snout. "Can I?"

"Yeah, hop up."

It's less of a hop and more of a clamber, but then he's scooting to sit next to me, and I set my hand on his before I give him a hello kiss. Green rumbles playfully.

"Shush," I scold her, and Hunk giggles.

"Is she jealous?"

"She's sassy. She takes credit for that first time you kissed me."

"I think she deserves it." He kisses me again, then turns to the window with a contented sigh. "Whatcha looking at?"

"Dunno. Nothing, I guess."

"Stars?"

"The space between them. Interstellar medium."

"Good old ionized hydrogen." He leans into my side, big and warm and solid, and slides his arm around my back. "It isn't really void, like we assume it is."

"Yeah. Space is way less empty than it lets on." I give in to the ache in my heart and tip my head against his shoulder; he shifts and I think he brushes a kiss to the top of my hair.

"Did you ever hear the sound that the Voyager spacecraft recorded when it went through the heliopause?" he murmurs.

"It made a sound?"

"I mean, not literally." He holds me a little tighter. "Or, sort of. Well. They turned the plasma wave data triggered by CMEs into sound. It's how they figured it had officially left the solar system. The first manmade object ever to do that."

"The stuff is actually denser out here, isn't it?"

"Well, I don't know where we are, really, but yeah, it's denser outside the heliosphere. Solar wind backs it up."

I take a deep breath in, and let it out slowly. It's kind of like I'd forgotten there was air in here. "It's good to remember we're not alone."

"Not alone for protons, not alone for people." He kisses my hair again, more firmly. "I've got you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Voyager I presents the sounds of interstellar space.](http://scitechdaily.com/voyager-1-presents-sounds-interstellar-space/) And if you didn't know, now you know.


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